My saga continues.....

Life is and will always be filled with drama... if you say your life has no drama I don't believe you!  So I did have lunch with R a month or so ago.  Around his birthday I had sent him a little happy birthday email and he texted me the following week and invited me to lunch.  Since I don't seem to possess the power to tell him no I accepted.  So a few days later as I was on my way to meet him I got a phone call from my step mom that my grandpa had passed away.  So we were already off to a bad start.  We met, hugged and I had not intended to drink but given the news I quickly ordered a glass of wine and I think I drank the whole glass in one long gulp!  We did the usual small talk and I'm realizing that it includes listening to him talk about a whole lot of continuous drama in his life... he does a lot of the talking.  I listened regarding who he has chatted with, gone on dates with, had sex with, told about his herpes, not told about his herpes, his new potential girlfriend and both of their divorce drama.  I think to be polite he also asked about my marriage, kids and if there was any new lovers in my life.  I spent a few minutes giving him a fairly quick update.  He of course still left the door open for us and said he would be back in a few weeks and asked if I would want to go out for an evening date and then back to his hotel for dessert.  I was surprised after him  telling me about his new GF but it sounded like fun and since I hadn't had any I said I would see if I could work it out.  So after lunch he kissed me goodbye and then we emailed a few times.  He mentioned something about feeling guilty or something in one email to which my response... I don't need and/or want a sympathy fuck, and if he didn't want to get together than to just simply say so etc. etc.  So I waited for him to respond... the day we were supposed to meet came and went and he never responded to my email.  So I waited about a week and wrote him back... this is what I wrote....

Hey there:
So I responded to your email last week regarding us getting together but I never heard anything back from you.  I had already assumed that we would not be getting together but I guess I was just surprised that you didn't get back with me at all.  Listen I know your busy and stressed and all of that and I don't want to add to that in any way so if you don't want to correspond with me that is fine, just be upfront with me.... don't make tentative plans with me, then email me you may feel guilty and then totally leave me hanging.  I have always had a pretty high opinion of you and regardless of if we are friends or not I would like to hold on to that opinion.  I'm a good person and I've been a pretty good friend to you when you wanted and/or needed so it would have been nice to have heard something... Just sayin!!
Pretty straight forward and this was what I got back....

You are awesome...my life is two train wrecks right now...ugh..can't seem to catch a break. I am sorry babe.....been eating shit sandwiches all week....

:(

So that is that... I haven't heard back from him since that.. I have decided to close this chapter in my book.  It upsets me on several levels due to the fact that I seriously allowed myself to care deeply for this man.  He had me... as much as a lover can have you.  I feel like I was a good friend to him and so much more.  I was always there for him when he needed me but i realize now that he didn't really return that sentiment to me.  I now feel like maybe I allowed myself to settle.  My situation as far as lovers go is very different now but I still feel like when and where lovers are concerned I have so much to offer and if I"m not getting everything back that I'm giving than FORGET IT!

I know the day will come that he will get back in touch with me.  It will likely be when he is fighting or having a breakup with a GF and he will come to me to make him feel incredible.  It will not be easy for me but I will do my best to walk away, however I may decide to take that opportunity to tell him just how crummy he has made me feel!  Who knows maybe I will make him eat another shit sandwich!

So this will hopefully be my last post regarding R... so now I will tell you about "M" and a little status update on "J".  I would tell you a little about my hubby but that unfortunately is so sad and boring.

So much to say!

Eventually I will talk about everything... my secrets, why I took a long sabbatical, etc.  One thing at a time.  Lets start with some basic information and then we can always go from there.  I'm a 35 year old woman.  I have two children 7 & 4.  I have been married for over 10 years, of those ten years I cheated on/off for 5.  My husband is fourteen years older than I am.  Sometimes I feel like a drug addict and I know that is a silly statement to make as I don't think I'm a nympho or anything like that but I do feel as though I have a problem, well many, but that's a whole different story.  I am a mom first and foremost, work PT out of the home, and own a business with my husband that I do some work for but am about to start working much more for as both kids will be in school this year.  I come from a divorced family, but great parents.  No home is perfect but I was raised well, and had a pretty good life.  When I met my husband I was 20 on our first date and 21 on our second.  He was this MAN and I was very intrigued by him.  He had never been married and had no children.  All of my friends were off partying at college or home, and living crazy lives and I was falling in love and getting ready to settle down early!  I had a great job, was making really good money at a young age.  I was living the life of someone about ten years older that I was.  I feel in love with him quickly and visa versa.  We had a long engagement but I was married before I was 24.  So again while my friends were living their lives I was learning how to be a good wife.  We didn't have kids right away cause we wanted to just enjoy each other.  We bought a house, got a dog, all the good stuff.  We did a lot together, had fun, lived out lives, etc.  I would say it's safe to say I was happy!  I never cheated, or dreamed of it until my first child was about 18 months.  I was looking to cheat, it just kinda happened.  You know the old fashion way.  No posts on websites... just met a man who made me feel like I was hot, sexy, and he wanted me.  He was gorgeous!  Totally beautiful.  I could never have dreamed that a man that hot would want a girl like me, but he did.  So that was that I screwed his brains out for an entire weekend and then we decided to see each other on the side.  We didn't live close so that helped.  This lasted for a few months until one day he said something about me making his stomach feel funny, or something like that.  That was pretty much the end of that!

Then there was "J" and he was my fun, in the car,  have sex several times a week on our lunch break.  I kind of took him for granted!  He have the best oral I've ever had.  He made me feel good... just plain good.  He was always there for me.  I could say more about him and maybe I will over time but mainly he was very cool, a friend and a lover.  The only lover I ever have or would have to my house (2x).  Anyway, we don't even really keep in touch anymore but that is because I told him not to and I'm sure if I contacted him today he'd invite me to his backseat tomorrow... but unfortunately that won't be happening.

That brings me to "R" or formerly known as "the traveler".  He rocked my world and then almost brought it all crashing down on me.  I wrote some really great posts about him and I, our experiences together... I'm so bummed I deleted it all.  I wish I could have saved even an achieve folder of it so I could go back and read it.  I miss him... sometimes!  I will continue to divulge information as I write about why I stopped writing, what has happened over the last year along with whatever else may be on my mind at the time.  I just have to say I'm slowly finding all my favorite blogs to read from before and catching up on what has happened in every one's lives and it makes me almost "giddy" to read and write again.  Kind of therapeutic and since the hubby and I can't find our, way to therapy I will use this as my therapy in the meantime.  I also may have a new friend... we will call him "M" but it's a little to new to write much except he is sweet!  I know boring but who knows.

*Sigh*