TGIF- date tonight, my few hours with Don Wan & more trouble at home!

I want to write today but I can't seem to get my thoughts straight and I should be working but  instead I'm reading blogs, writing, and messing around!  I have a date tonight.  Well kind of, no actually its a date.  I'm going out with L.  Hubby is out of town for the weekend (thank goodness) so we have had this planned for a few weeks now.  He is taking me to dinner in a little town half way between both of our homes.  Neither of us wanted to be to close to home so as not to risk running into people we know.  This is one of my biggest fears although pretty soon it isn't going to matter anymore!  So after dinner there are lots of little bars and such so we can park our cars and just walk.  I asked him if he planned to get me drunk and take advantage me.  Trust me he doesn't need to get me drunk.  I'm so ready!  I'm a cheap date, I don't drink much and since I get sick very easily from alcohol it's best not to attempt to get me drunk.  I told him unless he wanted to spend the evening holding my hair as I prayed to the porcelain gods he better watch my intake!  I think after we are going to get a room near by.  I was thinking this was going to just be a nice evening but after talking with him yesterday it appears he is planning on us staying the night together.  This makes me a little nervous.  I like to joke with him so I said "oh we are having a sleep over, so I should bring my pj's and fuzzy slippers, and my tooth brush.   Are you going to spoon me?  Do you snore?"  He said if I wanted to go home I could and I just said we can play it by ear and see how the evening goes.  Knowing me I may sneak out in the middle of the night, lol.  Especially if he snores!!  Actually my dog will be home alone so even if I do sleep over I will have to get up early in the morning and get home.  Truth be told I'm a little nervous about staying the night with him.  This is a guy who has already asked me questions about the "L" word and how I would feel if he was to say it.  I like him and everything but one of the reasons I chose him to spend some time with is because I feel like he's safe.  Safe meaning it's highly unlikely that I will fall for him.  He is so different from my type.  I know that shit happens and I could fall for him but it's highly unlikely! He also texted me last week cause I was a little distant (cause I'm so busy with my new job) and asked if everything was okay, if we were okay.  Are you seeing the red flags?!  Regardless after the week I have had I am looking forward to spending the evening with someone who really likes me, treats me very well and I know is going to make me cum multiple times!!!  I'll let ya know how it goes!

Things around home have been very bad the past few weeks.  I'm really not prepared to spend much time on this subject right now.  Let's just say I think every time we talk about breaking up and then we decide to continue to work on it I get a little bit stronger, I see him more and more for who he really is, and I get closer to being able to move and finally rid myself of him completely.  It is such a complicated issue with him.  What is crazy is that we had a few good weeks.  We were going out, communicating, having lots of good sex, etc.  Then me and the kids got sick, then I had my period and then this week my uncle died and I spent most of my free time with family this week.  So I got up to go to the gym one morning and looked at his phone.  Of course he had talked with someone late one night.  He had a good story for it later but I didn't believe him so later I pulled the phone records up and looked at his calls and texts and found that over the past few weeks he has had multiple conversations with multiple people (woman, men, couples, who knows?).  Of course he immediately blames me for everything.  He says I'm a bitch, I'm not nice to him, I don't give him any attention, my plate is to full.  It is me that drives him to do these things.  Honestly I'm just tired of being blamed for everything and I do mean everything.  He is very manipulative.  He doesn't want to take a look in the mirror and have accountability for anything.  He lies to my face.  He doesn't help me around the house.  He does not take charge of this household or this family.  He forces me to be, the leader and be in control of everything and then hates me for it and blames me for it.  I'm just so sick of it.  So I told him I'm done.  He was mean, said lots of mean things.  Continued to talk to people he shouldn't all day to try and make him feel better about himself.  Now when he gets home if I'm nice at all he will start to like me again, assume I will forgive him, and the process will start over AGAIN.  My intention is to not allow that to happen.  I intend to follow through this time.  I intend to be strong.  If and when I do this he will realize I'm serious and that I have the upper hand on him which will majorly piss him off and so he will get upset, call me lots of horrible names, blame me for everything and then immediately go off of the deep end join every sex site available and begin to spread his wickedness around to anyone willing and able and he will throw it in my face every chance he gets.  I know he will not take the high road and apologize, be sympathetic, apologetic, remorseful or fight for me and this family.  So I will have to deal with his wrath until I either decide to be weak and take him back or until I can get him out of this house.  I pray for the strength to get to the part where he moves out.  If I can do that than I will be okay.  I will be able to get along with him so we can do what's best for our children.  I will no longer be subject to his poison and white trash mentality.  I will be able to focus on my job, my life and my kids!  He has no moral fiber and I need to just be strong and finally do this for myself.  I no longer believe that I will ever be able to trust him or respect him so this is the only thing left to do!  Wish me luck and I will write about it more as I'm able to sort it all out!

So I saved the best for last.  My Don Wan- C.  He moved up here last weekend.  He was over an hour away from me but now he is less than 30 min away from me and in an area where I go for work on a weekly to bi weekly basis.  However, girlfriend will be moving here at the beginning of September :(  He asked me to come to his house as he wanted to Cristin it properly and he wanted to visualize my face and fucking me in every room.  I'm not sure if that's sweet or messed up, lol.  Anyway, we worked it out to meet towards the end of my work day Wednesday.  I parked at a little pizza shop right near his house and he picked me up.  He brought his little dog (her little dog) who is the cutest thing ever.  The dog liked me very much!  It's a little puff ball of fluffy fur.  So soft to touch!  Anyway, we went back to the house and he gave me the grand tour stopping to kiss me in every room.  When he kisses me it's like movie star kiss.  He always takes me by the back of my neck with one hand and then takes the other hand and puts it deep in my hair and pulls me into him and kisses me very deep and very passionate!  It makes me melt!  So the house is pretty empty and they haven't really put much away yet so all he had in his room was a twin mattress on the floor since she is bringing the bed with her move.  So I asked for a minute to freshen up a bit since it was a hot day and I had been running around all day.  When I came out he took me into the bedroom and we started kissing and undressing each other.  One thing I totally love about him is that all we had done was kiss and I had just run my hands down his back and arms and when I moved to take his shorts off his cock was just rock hard!  God I love that!  It is such a turn on to me that he gets that turned on from kissing me.  So he undresses me and puts his fingers between my legs and I was already so very wet and ready for him.  He bends me down over the mattress and his cock slides right into my wet pussy.  God he felt soooo good!  Nice long stokes all the way in and all the way out.  All the way back in and back out.  Very slow.  Now the damn dog was sitting on the bed watching me and kept trying to get in my face to he told the dog to leave.  A few minutes later I feel a tickle on my toes and look down and the damn dog is licking my toes, lol.  It was super funny but then he got rid of the dog!  So then he laid me down the bed and did what he does best!  Lick my pussy!  IF I was told I had one day left on this earth and could have anything I wanted it would be to have him lick my pussy (well maybe not but you get the jest).  He likes to build on it.  He licks me til I cum the first time then he comes up and slides his cock inside me.  He again grabs the back of my neck with one hand and puts the other hand in my hair and kisses me passionately while he fucks me, only it's really more like he's making love to me.  He looks at me in between kisses.  Deep in my eyes.  It makes me crazy.  Then he goes back down.  This time he adds one finger and licks me til I cum again.  Then he comes back up, slides his cock in me and repeats that process again.  Then he goes back down.  This time he licks my ass real good and then goes back to my pussy but this time he puts one finger in my ass and one finger in my pussy and licks me til I cum so hard I laugh or cry!  I'm not kidding.... it's just fucking amazing!!  Then he fucks me a little bit more.  Then I ask very nicely  ... can I please make you cum now!  So he allows me a turn.  I love to lick this man's cock.  It is just perfect!  But it's not just his cock.  I like to spend my time everywhere down there.  I kiss all around him.  I like his inner thighs, til I find my way down to his ass.  I lick his ass really, really good while I sneak a little lube on my finger.  Then I slowly slide one finger in his ass while I suck and lick his balls.  Once I have my finger and moving I take his cock in my mouth and suck and move in unison.  I love that when he cums he squeezes my head with his legs and I love that I can usually feel the first squirt of cum hit the back of my throat.  I bury his cock deep in my throat until he unloads every last drop.  Then I swallow it, and make to sure lick him nice and clean on my way out!  Then we just lay and talk for a bit. We had not seen in each other in a long time so we had a lot to catch up on.  We finally made it downstairs and talked a lot more, kissed, etc.  I often wonder if I leave hubby, if he and I would find a way to give it shot.  I doubt it but I do think he will not like it much when I start dating!  I will not worry about any of that now and just enjoy him while I can!  Shortly after, he took me back to my car, kissed me, told me how much he enjoys his time with me, etc and we went our separate ways.  He did send me a very nice email later which we all know I appreciate and now the girlfriend will be in town all weekend and he can visualize my face in his room while he's fucking her this weekend (evil smile)!  I will see him again next week!  I hope!
So funny enough I could have had a trifecta this week too.  I got a text late last night that JJ was in town.  He had a date with a woman near by and it was an actual date so no lovin for him.  He wanted me to sneak out and when I told him hubby was away he wanted me to sneak him in but I turned him down.  Wasn't really into it.  One, I didn't want to be sloppy seconds to his awesome date; two, I had just had a great time with C the day before; three, I am seeing L tonight.  I like JJ as a friend and think we will talk for years to come and I might hang out with him again but he's a better friend than lover and I've got about all I can handle right now!  I also get texted from J on a weekly basis wanting to have some lunch time fun but again I've been avoiding any plans with him as well.  So I am going to have a kid free/hubby free weekend.  Date tonight, baby shower tomorrow afternoon and bachlorette party tomorrow night and lots of sleep and paper work to catch up on Sunday but all in all I think it should be a pretty great weekend.  It better be cause I have a feeling between dealing with the stress of my new job and hubby next week I'm going to need to make all my weekends count!  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  Hope everyone has a great weekend and we shall see what more is to come!!

Cant escape my Don Wan

So this weekend it happened.  He emailed me.  I think deep down I knew he would but I did have my moments that I wondered if maybe this time it was over for good.  You see we have taken these breaks a few times now.  It starts to get a little intense because he starts to tell me what I want to hear but then I start to feel more than I like to feel and he starts to pull away and then I am usually the one that pulls back and distances myself from him.  Then sometimes we email back and forth a bit but then I usually will start my "other" prowling and just stop talking to him all together. 

I have never had a lover like C before.  He is possibly the only lover I've ever had that I can honestly say I could be with him outside of an affair.  He is very much "my type".  Often times I have stayed away from men that are "my type" because I don't want that to even be an option.  In addition, he is very protective, overbearing, controlling.  Now most would think that this is a bad thing but truth of the matter is that sometimes these qualities are a good thing.  My hubby is the exact opposite and my father possesses many of these types of qualities so maybe that is why I am so fond of them.  When I have been with C he makes it very clear that he does not want to share me with anyone else except that he knows I am occasionally with my husband.  He doesn't care about my past lovers but he wants and expects that when we are together I will not have any other lovers.  Well anyone who has ever read any of my other posts knows that this just doesn't work well for me and I am one that likes for all of my lovers to believe they are my one and only.  We all like to feel special right?.  But the funny thing is that when I'm seriously seeing C I tend to not really spend any time on my other lovers except when I have a lul and don't get to spend much time with him.

Just a quick recap on C.  He has a very serious girlfriend.  She currently lives out of state but will be moving back here (with him) at the beginning of September.  Their relationship is strange.  They totally act like a married couple in regards to so many things but he isn't really truly happy with her and says he would never marry her but he isn't going to let her go either.  Whatever, it's not my problem but one of the issues we have always had is that he isn't married but there are SO many rules with him in regards to our relationship.  When we can talk, how we talk, etc. etc.  I hate rules!  I mean I know there are rules with lovers.  Trust me I have my fair share but I prefer to be with someone that wants to talk with me occasionally and text.  Someone who occasionally wants to go out and have a drink or dinner.  Everything with him has to be done in private.  We have barely ever talked on the phone.  We text but we had to download this private app on our phones so it uses our data instead of texting so numbers can't be traced and most of our talking is done by email and we have NEVER been out in public together.  He doesn't even like to walk out of the hotel room at the same time.  My other issues with him is that he will talk to me about love, and being close and fill my head with whatever he wants at the time and then if I ever try and call him out on it he will say things like I have always known what this relationship is and where we stand.  OKAY... in a way it's true.  I do know where we stand.  I know that it's an affair.  I know that we are not likely ever going to be together... I mean you don't see me leaving my hubby or anything... but I have always said that I would love very much to have just 1 lover.   But that I would want that to be a man that I can not only have incredible sex with but also a friend.  Someone that I can share things with, trust, spend time with, talk to, etc.  The reason I have almost always had more than one lover is because I have never found all of that in one person.  When I first met him I thought I had found all of those things and it started off that way but it didn't last.  So the last time we started talking again he went right back to all hot and heavy with me but this time I didn't fall for it.  I saw him occasionally but tried to keep my heart distant plus this was as things were kind of starting to get better with hubby.  We didn't get to spend much time together either.  Well then he texted me one day that SHE was going to be moving back here at the end of the summer so he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible this summer.  I asked him if he would continue to see me after she moved back and he said he doubted it.  So it was at that point that I said well since we have just started to see each other again then why delay the inevitable.  I don't want to spend a summer enjoying you just to know that you will take it all away from me when she moves back.  He is a drug to me!  I have never had sex with a man that even begins to compare with how he makes me feel.  He is utterly amazing! So part of me wanted to get as much as I could but the other part of me knew that it would be so hard to give him up at the end and I could potentially get my heart broken and Mrs. M prefers to keep her heart in tact!  So I ended it as I wrote about in a previous post.  I guess I didn't realize what an effect I had on him.... 

I don't get a whole lot of email anymore.  I have closed down my profile on the PS site.  Most of my "friends" have my number and tend to text me more than email me so I get an occasional email from a "friend" or every once in awhile someone from my past pops up with an email.  I have one pen pal man I have written to for years and every once in awhile I get an email regarding someone leaving a comment on a blog post.  I know I'm pretty small potatoes so those are far and few!  So anyway I have gotten to where I don't even check it but once or twice a week.  Trust me I get 100's of email for work so I'm not crying (well not much, lol).  So when I checked my email last weekend and saw that he had written I was a little shocked.  It always starts the same with lots of small talk about how are you, oh good how are you, blah blah.   Then he told me he was moving up this way this coming weekend, that she would be moving at the beginning of September, etc. etc.  He asked about my new job, the hubby, kids, all that.  Then he started talking about us seeing each other again.  The emails have been endless.  He has been pouring his heart out to me about why he likes me so much.  How much he missed me, how he thinks about me all the time and wonders about who I'm seeing and who is taking care of his pussy, lol.  He says he fantasizes about us being together.  He looks at old videos and pictures I've sent him that he's managed to hide away.  He told me if I would consider seeing him again he would find a way to make it work whether she was here or not.  That even though we aren't "together" that sexually he has never been with anyone like me and that he would give anything for us to start seeing each other again.  That he wants us to be "lovers" forever, and that is just the beginning of what he's saying.  I mean he is laying it on THICK!  Now, I don't need all that.  Remember, he's my drug.  It's not like I've been through rehab and have found a replacement drug!  I like all my boys!  I have even been liking my hubby but NO ONE makes me feel like he does in the bedroom!  So my friends it's looking like I shall embark on yet another journey with Don Wan.  My time is so very limited with this new job.  It has me going 100 miles an hour but I'm certain once I get a handle on it I would be able to see him quite often so this could work out well.  I also know that in order for this to work out for ME I need to not let him get to me.  I need to focus on the sex and just enjoy it and savor every minute of it but not let HIM in to much!  I have been keeping my end of the conversations pretty generic.  I give him what he wants and needs from the conversations but haven't been getting all mushy about him.  I also made sure he knew that I had been seeing someone else in this interim. Of course he asked if I would be willing to give him up.  I did not answer that email yet so we will see if he asks again.  I would be happy to have him as a lover for as long as I can imagine but I also know that our track record is not very strong so I don't get overly hopeful in regards to long term.   I must admit that my inner attention whore has certainly loved having him shower me with all of the wonderful compliments and praise!!  So needless to say I'm excited to be with him- SOON!  I can't wait for him to kiss me, to lick me, to suck him, to have him inside me.  It will be glorious!  Orgasm, after orgasm... maybe someday I will get smart and as soon as the fun is over I will not linger in bed with him to allow us time to "talk" and I will get up, get dressed and be the first to leave!  Well only time will tell but as an admitted addict I know I will be easily consumed by my drug and every time I do this my ability to get back on the wagon gets harder and harder!

So we shall see what happens.... at best I should have some pretty hot steamy posts to come!!!

I also have a date coming up with L.  I most certainly am not going to give that up yet!  

I do so love summer!  

Wow, almost another year has past!

It is amazing me to that almost a year could past and I come on here all the time to read blogs but never take the time to write!  The last year of my life has been filled with so many things I wouldn't even begin to know where to go with it.  I would never try to update everything but here is what I will do cause I would very much like to continue writing again... I think it could be therapeutic!
I am certainly somewhat of a whore!  This is a word that I have bonded with in the past year!
Quick re-cap
June 2011: Had horrible sex with my husband 1x
Broke what kinda had started with M off, (he had a teeny weeny and it wasn't going anywhere)
Started to see J a little on the side- quick side note- he does not have herpes so our relationship has been somewhat limited but nonetheless fulfilling!
Re-discovered the Positive Singles site and put up a fabulous posting as a married lady looking for a lover!
Started rifling through some serious male companion possibilities.

July:
Very busy month with friends, family, kids... however, went on a fun boat ride for the day with a new potential friend... fooled around a little but he was somewhat uninteresting and a little weird!
Met the Fireman!!  Ohh baby he was HOT!  He is the first man I EVER had limited conversation with but had the guts to meet in a hotel room (he even told me what to wear).  I walked in, he was naked and gorgeous and we fucked for hours!  He made me feel like the ultimate dirty little slut and I loved every moment of it.   This ignited something in me that had been missing for quite some time and for the first time in a long time I was ALIVE!  He lives out of state and although we have chatted a few times that is the only time we ever fucked!

August:
Busy family month... continued to chat with several new male possibilities.. even one Dom out in California.  He was fun but kinda hard when your that far away.  I spent some time having fun with J.  He also likes to tell me what to do, and I enjoy doing it!  Since he is married and we typically play on his lunch break we are very limited but again, I adore him and we have great fun together!  I don't think I met anyone else this month.
Also had horrible sex again with the hubby!  This is not good!

September:
Kids go back to school, I start working a little more and I begin talking with V- single, roofer, gorgeous, writes me poetry and says all the right things.  We begin a very intense affair and for the first time in a very long time I have serious feelings for someone.  Looking back I realize that I was so alone and he simply said all the right things.  He loved me quickly and let me love him.  We both needed that.  When he started asking me about being his and leaving my family I got scared, he met someone else, he broke my heart.... it was tough but alas it was all for the better.... they now have a new baby together and I believe he is happy!
Hubby and I decide to start marital counseling to attempt to save the marriage.

October:
I have a rebound affair with a man(actually boy) - N- who has the largest cock I have ever experienced.  He turns out to be a horrible lover (just cause your blessed means NOTHING) and to top it off he is a horrible human being although our first few times were great (again I was rebounding from broken heart).  It took me awhile to figure out just how horrible of a person he was... I was clouded by sitting on his fabulously huge cock... what can I say!
Hubby and I continue to see a worthless counselor and it is going nowhere!  We also attempt to have sex again, I'm drunk, he can't keep it up, i fall apart, it was truly horrible!

November:
I meet HIM!  C... we will call him my Don Wan... quick insight.  He is pretty much a single dad of three kids... hard worker, has a girlfriend who lives out of state.  He cares very much for her but sexually is not satisfied, reads my profile, thinks we might be compatible so we start chatting and quickly realize we have a lot in common!
The first time we are together there is an electricity between us that I have never experienced in my entire life. It's as if we both know exactly where to touch each other and what to do to make the other person just fall to pieces in orgasm.  I have never had a man IN MY LIFE, put so much effort into making me cum- repeatedly.  Nor, who can make me cum as much or as hard as him!  He is the BEST lover I have ever had.
Our affair become very intense, very fast!  Thank goodness we do not get to see each other very often and do not live very close.
I start looking for a new job and find one I want and pursue it with vigor!

December:
I GET THE JOB!  Great job, lots of in state travel.  Great beni's!  Great everything!
We decide to put counseling on hold as it's not doing us much good, and the holidays are approaching and I'm about to start new job and will be very busy!
This is the first full time job I will have had in over 8 years so I'm very nervous but also excited for new opportunities!
Continue to see Don Wan, but not over the holidays!
Also talk with a new gentleman and meet for drinks- D- he is married, very wealthy, older, intimidating, and fun!  I cannot resist but have sex with him- it is fabulous, we do not talk often!

January 2012: Happy New Year!
Start new job, very busy traveling!  LOVE IT!
Start also talking with JJ- lives in different state but one I sometime travel to.  He has a girlfriend, we begin more of a once a week telephone friendship as we have H in common and he is a great person, we do occasionally have a little fun phone sex!
Continue my relationship (as it's becoming) with Don Wan.... Start to develop some kind of feelings for him but am probably just clouded by the amazing sex!
End of the month, less than one month into new job, hubby tells me he thinks we should separate in hopes of still being able to be friends!
He also turned 50 and as I soon discover is embarking on a full fledged mid life crisis!

FEB-MARCH-APRIL- PRESENT:
These past few months become somewhat of a blur so lets just say...
Work:
My job is great and I'm very good at it and place top in the company for a few things and take a great trip to Florida for a conference in March.
Men in my life:  they pretty much all think they are my one and only!
It's getting a little out of hand!  I still see J on occasion for some lunchtime fun!  He is one of my favs and if we could have actual sex I might stick with just him.. he's married which is safe, he's cute, dominating, kind, eager to please, loves to give oral and likes anal!  and again he's safe!  blah, blah
I finally meet JJ for an evening of fun- and he even spends a few nights with me when I travel to his state for a few nights.  We have a great friendship as well but are far apart and he needs to date woman that he can start a relationship with.  I believe he is starting to see someone!
I even see R as I'm traveling to his parts now, he lets me stay at his house, we do NOTHING, which is odd but seem to have managed a friendship out of this.  He takes me out on the town, we party like college kids, it's great!  I have missed him!  Later I find out that he secretly wished I had come and attacked him, lol!
I also start talking and end up meeting L- he is a big tattooed guy, going through a divorce and getting back in the scene and feels safe that I'm married.  He is totally not my normal type but he's cute, in a band, fun, and since I"m not petite (not big either) but not petite he makes me feel very sexy!  We did have great sex and really knows his stuff when he goes down!  I also liked that I made his legs shake when I sucked him!  It was cute.
Out of the blue- D recently gets in touch.  now he does stay somewhat in contact through occasional texts and emails.  He sends me the sweetest things to make sure I know he often thinks of me.  So anyway, out of the blue while I'm away on a trip he gets in touch and drives all the way to where I am to see me, takes me out on the town for an amazing night (he likes to spoil) and then he comes back and we have what I would say was pretty fucking amazing sex!  Recently as I've started reading the 50 shades series I would say he is the closest thing to my Grey!
Things with C (or Don Wan) have been up and down back and forth!  He is like my addiction... well as you can kinda sum, sex and men are my addiction but he is my heroin!  Without getting into to many details we have tried several times now to stop seeing each other but we cannot seem to stay away.  I'm pretty convinced that although I enjoy some sex with other men and I like all my men for different reasons he has ruined me!  I cannot stay away.  I seem to have somehow been able to learn to manage my feelings for him and maybe it's because things are stable at home-not sure but I could easily LOVE this man.  He is the only man I could say that I could potentially see myself with.  I think he could possibly make me happy, and maybe make me not cheat but that is not an option for either of us.  I recently stopped seeing him but neither of us could leave it alone and although I haven't seem him in a few weeks we have been planning a get together in the next few days or early next week.  He will easily suck me into his vortex I'm certain.  I don't want to get into the specifics right now but if I can keep up with writing I can assure you there will be much to unfold with him
Oh yes, and recently I saw N- lets just say he begged, and I thought I wanted that big fat cock- turns out burn me once- shame on me, burn me twice- shame on you!  I ended up kicking him out of my hotel room and promise we will not talk about him EVER again!
I also recently made a new friend- K- although we have only had drinks once.  He is interesting, eclectic, smart, and a cool mustache that I would love to feel in certain spots.  I think eventually something could happen but timing has not been good for us.
I think that is it but trust me, I know it's a little out of hand right now but I am who I am!  My best friend, who is also the only person who knows everything (except you Don, if you ever read this) said to me maybe it's time to thin out the Rolodex a bit.  I agree but easier said than done.  They all have a special place and until I get my personal life sorted out I'm happy with how it is right now!

Okay last but not least let's talk about the hubby:
During this time I start snooping into my husbands life to discover that he has been seriously cheating on me with just about everything with two legs and even some dirty chatting with men.  He is completely out of control and I do not have the ability to keep my mouth closed and all in all I tell him I know everything.  This is not good!  We have been through a lot in the past several months.  We started out heading toward divorce.. since we have discussed open marriage (not for me personally, as I'm a very jealous person), a don't ask, don't tell type situation, but I couldn't stop snooping, him threatening to have me arrested for my snooping, lots of threats, lots of meetings with attorneys, lots of discussion of making up, we started to have sex again, and it's been often good!
He knows of some of my affairs, I know of some of his.  I'm certain we both have many secrets... me much more than him!
Okay, so he has a serious porn addiction, I have a man addiction.  He wants in my world but I prefer to have my world be private!  I want him to only want me.  I don't necessarily believe that what's good for the goose is good for the gander!  I know that I can keep him sexually satisfied- I feel I"m the girl you cheat with, not the girl you cheat on!

What needs to be understood in order for me to continue to write is that ultimately all I have ever wanted is my husbands love and approval.  I have done almost everything he has ever wanted, in return I have asked him to choose me over porn!  He has not.  Over time I learned that I could get what he won't give me from others, thus my infidelities!
Still all I truly want is LOVE and AFFECTION & LOTS OF SEX!  I get the affection and sex from others but I guess I'm not getting the love really from anyone but sometimes all the sex and attention makes up for the lack of love, or at least temporarily!
I stay with him because we have this great life, great kids, I love his family, when we are getting along we have this great friendship and a ton of fun together.  I just simply want him to stop having a mid life, love me and only me so I can go back to taking care of him and our family and our lives (which is what I do best) and then I can scale back and only have fun with a few extra people as that's what I NEED!  but I will do so very privately as I always have and when the Love is back where I need it than I can also indulge him in a little of his kink so that he will not  need to cheat on me!

I know that since this is not elaborately written it doesn't make a ton of sense right now but hopefully as it continues and I can share bits of my life it will all start to make some sense and maybe by writing it down it will make a little more sense to me!  Not sure!
We recently have decided to try and make a go of it.  He did some pretty fucked up shit that I found out about and it seem the light may have gone off for him and he is scared I'm about to leave him and saying that he is ready to make some changes and get some counseling and try and make us better!  Only time will tell!
It's either going to be a great summer or a really hard, shitty summer but either way I'm hoping by the end I will either be healing my marriage or headed towards the single life!
Either one scares the shit out of me!

Okay so I need to finish some work!  I had a fun tryst with J yesterday, he came over on his lunch break and I let him fuck my face on my back deck in the hot sun!  It was HOT!
Hubby woke me up in the middle of the night and I swear I think we had dream anal sex!  It was HOT and my skin was all tingly and he was pulling my hair... fuck if that was a dream I'm going back to sleep!
I may see Don Wan tomorrow but I may actually make him wait another week!
Also, L is working out here on my side of town so I may see him before the end of the week.
So yes, I'm a whore- unpaid whore- but it's okay, I kinda like the ring of it some days!

Until next time......
Mrs. M