Sex is everywhere!

Before I get to the good stuff I need to just vent....

I think I mentioned that at the beginning of this year I took a new job.  I have not worked a full time job since I had kids over 8 years ago.  I have always worked part time, some of the time I worked two part time jobs and also helped out with our business and volunteered in the kids classrooms, and whatever else was needed of me.  I have always stayed busy!  I loved this life as it allowed me more freedom for MY ADVENTURES!  When I took this job it was because it was time.  I wasn't sure where my marriage was and I wanted to have security to take care of myself if we broke up, I was tired of struggling all winter long, I wanted better benefits for our family, etc.  It was a good move!  I am lucky that for someone who was out of the mainstream work force for as long as I was that I was able to land such an awesome job!  I have done very well since I've been here.  It is sales and this is what I did before I had kids!  However, at first I thought that the travel would be so great and at first it was great.  Considering how bad it was at home I was happy to be away and the break from my kids was almost nice as well!  This wore off quick!  Now, I just miss my kids like crazy, and even though I've had a few visitors in my travels, and had some fun I'd just as soon be home and find time for my fun here!

Okay, now that I've said that lets get to the sex is everywhere part!

So being away from home gives me more time to talk, text, take pics/videos, and/or potentially spend time with lovers!  So far since I started my job in January I have stayed the night at R's on one of my trips.  We actually didn't fool around, I stayed at his house (in the guest room), and we went out on the town and partied like college kids.  It was a blast!  After the fact of course I found out that he wanted me to sneak in his room so we could fuck like crazy but I'm not a mind reader, I was really drunk and I didn't get any signals from him!  So maybe next time (which might be next week as I'm going that way, lol).

I had another friend join me on another trip- JJ, he was supposed to stay with me two nights but ended up just spending the one night with me.  It was fun,  as soon as we got into the room of course we were all over each other and he is a super fun lover, we also went out for a nice dinner, and then went back to my room for some more fun!  I find it strange sometimes sleeping with other men.  I would almost prefer that they leave (I know that sounds weird) and there are only a few that I would actually choose to sleep with!  Anyway, he wasn't so bad to sleep with.

Then, recently I had D surprise me on a trip and he drove 1 1/2 hours north to hang out with me.  He has money, lots of it and he likes to flash it.  So he took me out, we went to the local pub- he likes to drink as well.  He is super fun though and everyone loves to be around him!  We partied with the locals, had a blast, got drunk, then he left a huge tip for the guys, which of course they thought was a mistake and couldn't get over.  It was cute, and also nice to be with someone generous!  Anyway, we went  back to my room and he is a friggin stallion and fucked me deep into the mattress but like a good man, he went home for the night, lol!  Only after I made him cum in my mouth!  Which since he is a total control freak, he hates.  He likes to be in control of everything!  However, when I put his cock in my mouth, he loses all control and I get to take over, and he can't tell me no and I always get my reward!!  Hehe!  Also, about D- I"ve been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey series (that's another post entirely).  He is my Christian!  Or I'd like for him to be my Christian!  When I'm reading I imagine that it is he and I!

Lastly, and one I almost am embarrassed to write about was one of my last trips where I decided to give N or dick head another chance.  So I let him travel up to meet me at one of my last northern expeditions.  I also allowed him to convince me to stay an extra day so we would have more time together.  I should have known better, he's to young, to in mature, drinks to much, etc.  But he begged (literally) and I allowed!  The first part started off good.  We went to dinner, had a few drinks, good conversation.  I made him tell me about why he was so adamant about us hanging out again, especially since he now has a girlfriend he really cares about.  He said it was the best sex he'd ever had and he wanted that again.  See the thing about him is that he is not a great lover- AT ALL!  He simply has a really big cock!  I told him I"m only as good as the person I'm with (well depends).  I also told him that if he gave me the chance I could make him an amazing lover.  He just needed a little direction and with a cock like that I could turn him into the BEST!  He is not a good listener you see!  Long story short, the sex was good when he laid there like a good boy and let my hop on top and do my thing.  Other than that he simply sucks and is NOT a good person, lover, human, etc.

The second day, while I worked he slept all day, we again went out that evening and I could tell he was getting into dick head mode, and then we started butting heads.By the time we got back to the room, we were hardly talking.  I read my book all night, he fell asleep.  When I got up the next morning I immediately got up and started getting ready, and packing.  When he finally woke up he actually said "are you ready to get bent over" to which I replied "nope I'm good, all set... I'm leaving, your lucky I allowed you to sleep here for the night, when I get back from breakfast I expect you to be either packed and gone or almost ready to leave".  I then went to breakfast, and when I got back he was just about ready to leave so I packed up and told him to shut the door on his way out.  I waited across the street to make sure that he left and he did.  I can promise you that will be the last we will hear from N!!

So on my trip this week I was again, far north!  I decided to go out Tuesday night after I got up there and settled into my room.  I asked where was a good place and decided on the local pub/restaurant.  I typically sit at the bar since I'm by myself.  I ordered a micro brew, some dinner, and then talked on the phone for awhile with a friend while I drank my beer.  After I got off the phone, the bartender and another guy started razzing me about being on the phone.  So we all started talking and then a local girl came into the bar and we all started talking.  Then the hubby called and was not pleased that I was still hanging at a bar, told me to go home and to call him when I got home.  Well I planned to go home right after my beer, but then the local girl convinced me to have another with her.  So I did.  Then another couple came into the bar and we all started talking.  So then the local girl leaves- the bar tender and I start talking Fifty Shades, he's telling me about his girlfriend of 6 years that is married, and starts showing me all these dirty pics of them on his phone.  I start telling him of my lovers, and show him a few pics.  Then the couple at the bar, convinces me to stay and buys me another beer.  Then me and the girl from the couple do a shot together.  Now, ti's getting late, I've had 4 large beers, a huge shot, and I'm dancing, with the girl.  She is backing up into me and running her hands up my legs.  The guy behind the bar is grinning from ear to ear.  The boy of the couple is grinning from ear to ear and then we do another shot.  Then, the guy goes to the bathroom and she turns around and starts kissing me.  Holy, hell, what am I doing!  So I go to the bathroom.  When I come back the bartender leans over and says that while I was gone they were discussing a 3 some.  He was nervous but she was all about it.  They ask me if I want to go for a walk with them down the beach.  To which I say I think I had better just go back to my room, since I have an early morning appt.  He seemed okay with that but she was adamant that I go for a walk.  He leaves again, and now she's in my ear, begging me to go, talking about licking my pussy, how much fun we will have.  She kisses me again.  HELL!!

So bottom line is that I know I'm not going!  Not because I don't want to- they were both HOT!  Because I have herpes!  No matter what, this is always in the back of my mind.  I am safe with all of my boys, we all have the same thing in common.  This is uncharted territory for me now.  I no longer have the ability to just go have casual sex without always wondering in the back of my mind if I could potentially give this to someone!  The funny thing is that statistically speaking one of them probably has it too!

Anyway, I again said no- I think he was the most sober and could tell I didn't want to or something cause he got her out of there pretty quick after that!  Now, the bartender can't figure out why I didn't go?  He I think was just waiting for me to invite him back to my place as I think he thought we were going to fuck because we shared some dirty pics.  We did not!  However, I apparently gave him my number because he texted me several times the next day to see if I was going out anywhere.  I did not!  I was wrecked the next day and happy to make it through the day alive!  I stayed in and rested and read my Fifty Shades- book 3 like a good girl!  I can avoid trouble one night but I'm not sure I would have made it two nights without some kind of trouble finding me, lol!!

So the funny thing is that in my stupidity, I called my hubby at 2am... duh!  The next morning I told him these stories about the bartender and the 3some.  Why?  Well other than because I'm an idiot I'm not sure.  Maybe to make him jealous? which he was/and mad!  To be honest?  Maybe a little!  So he could see yet again, that if he doesn't give me the attention I will find it somewhere?  His remark- if I sat in a bar and drank and flirted like that you would be so pissed at me- YES I WOULD!  He also commented that even if he had those kind of things would never happen to him- PROBABLY NOT!  Why is that I wonder?

Maybe we can talk more about all of this in my next post!  Why do I live by such a double standard of what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander!?!?  But sex is EVERYWHERE!!

Since Then....

So now the secret is out.  I have it, "R" has it and my husband either has it and is in denial, or maybe he has had it for so long that he no longer shows signs or he just simply doesn't have it which would explain why every time he comes on to me sexually he says something stupid like "Is it safe".  This pisses me off!
After "R" found out he had it we stayed in touch a little.  He would give me updates on how he and his new girlfriend were handling it, we would ask each other for advice regarding it or simple things like that.  It wasn't really often that we talked.  Looking back now I would say I was pretty depressed.  I wasn't going out with friends as often, I wasn't working out, eating well.  My sex life was pretty horrible, several areas of my marriage were breaking apart rapidly.  It sucked!  Then in October "R" got in touch with me and told me he and the GF had broken up and he asked if I would like to see him.  Due to the kids schedule we decided to meet early in the day after I dropped the kids off to school.  No lunch, or wine, just meet in his room....
So that is what we did.  It was strange.  I was a nervous wreck, like I had never been with him before.  I was not feeling confident about myself, we hadn't been talking a lot so there was no build up, he didn't spend much time sexing me up before hand it just kind of happened.  So we talked and kissed for awhile and then got down to business.  Don't get me wrong, it was still good, but different good.  Not mind blowing good, and strangely when we were done I knew there would be no seconds and I really just wanted to get out of there and go home.  He was kind and said all the right things like he normally does, he texted me on my way home and then I didn't hear from him for like a month.  Sometime in early December we talked again and he said we would get together again after the holidays.  Then over the holidays he got back together with the girlfriend and that was fine.  I guess at this point my thought process is kind of like this.   I have herpes, who the hell other than him and my husband is going to want to fuck me so since I don't really have many options I had better take what I can get.  I'm not running around looking for a new lover so when the old one comes around I will take him and deal with the rest of my life as it is.
So after the holidays were over I decided I was not going to just sit around and be miserable any longer.  I was going to embrace my life, my virus, my marriage and start by making myself happy.  So starting in January I've been changing my life.  I have quit smoking, it's been 2 months and I know that this is it for me, I'm a non smoker and will most likely be forever (not counting the occasional wacky tabacky)... that is my every now and again release and I'm not giving that up.  I have gotten back into working out (Turbo Fire and Chalene Johnson is my new best friend) and running 5-6 days a week and should be ready for a 5K sometime this summer.  Since I'm not going to divorce my hubby I'm trying to be nice, and take it one day at a time.  I went on daily medications for my OB's.  I was just taking pills when I would feel an OB coming on but due to stress, etc. I felt like every time I shaved my pussy and it would start to grow back I would think I was having an OB and pop a few pills and due to stress was having then pretty frequently so everyday just seemed to make sense and I was hoping this would stop my husband from asking "If it was safe".  So far so good.  I've never been a pill popper and hate taking prescription medication but for this I will deal with it.  I have not had an OB since I started the daily meds.  One time I had the start of what looked like an OB but I just took 2/day instead of one and within one day it was gone.  The side effects have not been horrible, and I'm dealing with it.  I would rather deal with a few side effects than frequent OB's.  So generic Valtrex is okay by me!

So what else..... well I just recently saw "R" for lunch but will save that for another post and I have yet to tell about "M".  So all in all... my life is returning back to normal.. well I have never been normal but what i mean is that I'm starting to take back my life.  I'm liking myself a lot more and that makes me a better person, a better mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, business woman, lover, and everything else!
Yea for me!!!

What's the big secret!!!

So my affair with the Traveler, whom we will now refer to as "R" because it's easier to write was the affair that made me spoiled!  It was very different than any other.  He made me feel amazing.  He was a friend, a lover, and he brought things out of me that I really liked.  We saw each other for almost a year very regularly.  We met through Ashley Madison, he traveled for work so whenever he would come into the area we would set up to meet, I would leave work early, we would usually have lunch or a few drinks and then head to his room.  It was never just a quickie.  It was hours of kissing, talking, fucking, touching and more fucking.  It was GREAT!  During this time he was going through a divorce and started dating.  I knew it would happen and that was fine.  I guess I didn't prepare myself for feeling sad though.  When he met someone he really liked I guess I realized that it wouldn't be me he would be making feel so special anymore.  It seems men don't know how to focus their attention on more than one woman at a time.  I didn't want to place second fiddle to another girlfriend.  I would to a wife (cause I'm the girlfriend), but to a girlfriend, NO.  New girlfriends are much more high maintenance and men need to impress them, and all that shit.  So like a grown up I said, Hey your great, you deserve to be happy, I will back off and you can fall in love like normal people do.  I knew he cared about me but he wanted to date, go out on dates, spend quality time together, etc and we both knew I would never be able to do that.  It was hard, I was sad, I cried but that was that... or so I thought.
Then about a month later I had a GYN appt. While I was there I told her that I had what I assumed was an ingrown hair that was really bothering me.  I have either shaved or waxed my pussy for most of my adult life and have cut myself, and had a few skin tags, and things of the sort but nothing quite like this (I think)!  So the OB takes a look and says well I don't think this is an ingrown hair it actually looks like Herpes.  I jumped up and said.  "I'm sorry did you just say Herpes"... she of course said yes... and in that moment my entire life changed!  She did the swap test and said she would call me with the results ASAP, we talked she told me a few things blah, blah and then I went out to my car and cried.  Cried hard cause I just knew the results would not be in my favor... I'm just not that lucky.  I immediately called my best friend, who is really the only person who knows pretty much everything about my life, and told her.  Together we started researching everything we could find on the Internet.  The pics online were no help at all because looked nothing like that.  It was just one little sore... one horribly painful, miserable little sore.  I decided that wouldn't say or do anything until I heard back from the OB.  In the meantime, coming from my religious upbringing, I went back to the basics.  I prayed long and hard.  I would never cheat again, I would quit smoking, doing anything sinful, I would be the best mom, wife, woman in the world just let it not be herpes!  I tried to write a blog post about it but couldn't bring myself to post it.  I had followers, friends, how shameful! 
So early the next week, while at work, the doctor called.  She said the HPV came back negative but I'm sorry the HSV came back positive.  You have HSV-2.  We talked, she told me all kinds of statistics, how it sheds when you don't even have an outbreak which is how most people get it, how to treat it, medications, blah, blah.  It was like I had an out of body experience... I could see myself sitting there listening to her talking to me but I couldn't speak.  Finally, we hung up, again I called the best friend, we cried together and then I knew I had to tell both the hubby and the boyfriend, well x. 
I decided to tell the boyfriend first, so I texted him that I needed to talk with him but would call him on my way home from work.  So I pulled into a parking lot, called him, and said that I had been to the OB last week, had what I thought was an ingrown hair, they did a swab test and called me today and told me I have herpes.  It probably was not that smooth and I'm pretty sure I was balling my eyes out as I told him.  He didn't say anything right away and then he said... well I don't have herpes.  I said are you sure?  He of course was sure but said he would get a blood test done right away.  I reminded him that I had not been with anyone since we stopped seeing each other and that other than him and the hubby hadn't been with anyone else in quite a long time.  Well, he was sweet and kind about it, but you could tell he felt bad for me.. I didn't like that at all.  I felt alone, and scared, and totally confused!!!!

I know it started with the herpes, then the first affair, then the second, then the last one.  I never quite gave him all of the information, but just enough.  He asked a lot of questions... some of them strange questions.  He was sad, then angry, then strangely turned on, then mad again, then confused.  He didn't understand with everything that we had done and gone though together why I didn't tell him I wanted to have sex with another man because he probably would have allowed me to as long as he could have been a part of it... but you see that isn't what I wanted.. I wanted to selfishly have a man to myself, to make me feel a way that he didn't make me feel... okay sorry, that's another post... anyway, we talked and cried for hours.  Then the next day we talked a little more but I could see he was just full of questions, and emotions and feelings I didn't know how to interpret.  The weird thing is that after I told him, he wanted to have sex with me all the time.  For like a week almost everyday.. and it was different, more passionate, connected... different.  So I went with it.  We talked everyday but mostly I assumed he would eventually retaliate.   So.. after all that he said he didn't have herpes, or at least to his knowledge... great so now what!
So the following week "R" gets in touch with me to tell me that his blood work came back and it doesn't look like he has herpes.  Of course he is totally relieved... feels bad for me, but is happy as he is sooo in love with his new girlfriend and would hate to have to explain that!  So I tell him about telling the hubby, he offers more condolences and tells me to keep in touch and keep him posted on everything and he will do the same (we pretty much stopped talking after that).  So now I am utterly alone... no boyfriend, my husband can hardly look at me, I have herpes but no idea how or why I have it.... then the depression starts to sink in.
I again tried to write a blog post but couldn't so instead I just delete the entire blog.. everything gone... I send a cryptic email to any and all friends/lovers that I had ever emailed with telling them I will be shutting down this email and to please stop emailing, texting, etc.  I decided that even though my prayers were not answered I would still shut that part of my world down and make the fantasy part of my world and life become dormant deep inside me where it belonged!  That was that... I spent all my free time doing research on my sickness, trying to understand, to make sense of it... I was trying, everyday to make my husband like me again, kissing his ass, trying to just focus all my attention on him and the kids, and work...
You know what I was completely miserable.  In every way!!! I was a mess... not a better mom, or wife, or friend or anything!  It just totally sucked and honestly I have no idea who that girl was!!!
So guess what..... I got an email in late July or early August from "R" saying he needed to talk with me.  So I called him... since we had last talked he and his other girlfriend had broke up but he was dating a new girl and they had gone away for the weekend... he had what he assumed was a cut from shaving on his penis but when he and the girlfriend came back from a weekend trip she had a nasty break out, they both went to the doctor and guess what, they both have herpes!  Well at this point I am a fucking expert so I tell him what I know.   That he could have had it all along and not known it, that some people have it for years and never have outbreaks, etc, etc.  We talk about it,  He wants to know what's happening with me, if my husband has it.  I tell him that he still hasn't been tested but has never had an outbreak (OB) to his knowledge and that there is a small percentage of people who are actually immune to it.  I will tell you that I am not happy he has it, but it made me feel a little bit better.  So here's the deal.  There is no blame going on here. I cannot help but assume he gave it to me... I'm pretty sure he assumes I gave it to him... neither of us know for sure and we are both adults that chose to have unprotected sex with one another and guess what folks... these are the consequences that you can face when you do those things!  So we move on.  I will delve more into what has happened since then but let me just say this for now.  I now know it's not a death sentence.  It really doesn't change who I am, or want to be.  It doesn't make me a bed person, or a dirty person.  1 out of 4 Americans have HSV, most don't know it because they either don't have very many OB's if at all, or they think it's something like an ingrown hair or something else.  It is what it is, I have it, it's mine forever.  I control it, I educate myself, and I do my best to keep it under control, which has not been easy but is getting easier.  So that is it, my big secret, my sabbatical.  Now I can go on, talk about everything that has happened, that is happening and just simply keep moving forward!