TGIF- date tonight, my few hours with Don Wan & more trouble at home!

I want to write today but I can't seem to get my thoughts straight and I should be working but  instead I'm reading blogs, writing, and messing around!  I have a date tonight.  Well kind of, no actually its a date.  I'm going out with L.  Hubby is out of town for the weekend (thank goodness) so we have had this planned for a few weeks now.  He is taking me to dinner in a little town half way between both of our homes.  Neither of us wanted to be to close to home so as not to risk running into people we know.  This is one of my biggest fears although pretty soon it isn't going to matter anymore!  So after dinner there are lots of little bars and such so we can park our cars and just walk.  I asked him if he planned to get me drunk and take advantage me.  Trust me he doesn't need to get me drunk.  I'm so ready!  I'm a cheap date, I don't drink much and since I get sick very easily from alcohol it's best not to attempt to get me drunk.  I told him unless he wanted to spend the evening holding my hair as I prayed to the porcelain gods he better watch my intake!  I think after we are going to get a room near by.  I was thinking this was going to just be a nice evening but after talking with him yesterday it appears he is planning on us staying the night together.  This makes me a little nervous.  I like to joke with him so I said "oh we are having a sleep over, so I should bring my pj's and fuzzy slippers, and my tooth brush.   Are you going to spoon me?  Do you snore?"  He said if I wanted to go home I could and I just said we can play it by ear and see how the evening goes.  Knowing me I may sneak out in the middle of the night, lol.  Especially if he snores!!  Actually my dog will be home alone so even if I do sleep over I will have to get up early in the morning and get home.  Truth be told I'm a little nervous about staying the night with him.  This is a guy who has already asked me questions about the "L" word and how I would feel if he was to say it.  I like him and everything but one of the reasons I chose him to spend some time with is because I feel like he's safe.  Safe meaning it's highly unlikely that I will fall for him.  He is so different from my type.  I know that shit happens and I could fall for him but it's highly unlikely! He also texted me last week cause I was a little distant (cause I'm so busy with my new job) and asked if everything was okay, if we were okay.  Are you seeing the red flags?!  Regardless after the week I have had I am looking forward to spending the evening with someone who really likes me, treats me very well and I know is going to make me cum multiple times!!!  I'll let ya know how it goes!

Things around home have been very bad the past few weeks.  I'm really not prepared to spend much time on this subject right now.  Let's just say I think every time we talk about breaking up and then we decide to continue to work on it I get a little bit stronger, I see him more and more for who he really is, and I get closer to being able to move and finally rid myself of him completely.  It is such a complicated issue with him.  What is crazy is that we had a few good weeks.  We were going out, communicating, having lots of good sex, etc.  Then me and the kids got sick, then I had my period and then this week my uncle died and I spent most of my free time with family this week.  So I got up to go to the gym one morning and looked at his phone.  Of course he had talked with someone late one night.  He had a good story for it later but I didn't believe him so later I pulled the phone records up and looked at his calls and texts and found that over the past few weeks he has had multiple conversations with multiple people (woman, men, couples, who knows?).  Of course he immediately blames me for everything.  He says I'm a bitch, I'm not nice to him, I don't give him any attention, my plate is to full.  It is me that drives him to do these things.  Honestly I'm just tired of being blamed for everything and I do mean everything.  He is very manipulative.  He doesn't want to take a look in the mirror and have accountability for anything.  He lies to my face.  He doesn't help me around the house.  He does not take charge of this household or this family.  He forces me to be, the leader and be in control of everything and then hates me for it and blames me for it.  I'm just so sick of it.  So I told him I'm done.  He was mean, said lots of mean things.  Continued to talk to people he shouldn't all day to try and make him feel better about himself.  Now when he gets home if I'm nice at all he will start to like me again, assume I will forgive him, and the process will start over AGAIN.  My intention is to not allow that to happen.  I intend to follow through this time.  I intend to be strong.  If and when I do this he will realize I'm serious and that I have the upper hand on him which will majorly piss him off and so he will get upset, call me lots of horrible names, blame me for everything and then immediately go off of the deep end join every sex site available and begin to spread his wickedness around to anyone willing and able and he will throw it in my face every chance he gets.  I know he will not take the high road and apologize, be sympathetic, apologetic, remorseful or fight for me and this family.  So I will have to deal with his wrath until I either decide to be weak and take him back or until I can get him out of this house.  I pray for the strength to get to the part where he moves out.  If I can do that than I will be okay.  I will be able to get along with him so we can do what's best for our children.  I will no longer be subject to his poison and white trash mentality.  I will be able to focus on my job, my life and my kids!  He has no moral fiber and I need to just be strong and finally do this for myself.  I no longer believe that I will ever be able to trust him or respect him so this is the only thing left to do!  Wish me luck and I will write about it more as I'm able to sort it all out!

So I saved the best for last.  My Don Wan- C.  He moved up here last weekend.  He was over an hour away from me but now he is less than 30 min away from me and in an area where I go for work on a weekly to bi weekly basis.  However, girlfriend will be moving here at the beginning of September :(  He asked me to come to his house as he wanted to Cristin it properly and he wanted to visualize my face and fucking me in every room.  I'm not sure if that's sweet or messed up, lol.  Anyway, we worked it out to meet towards the end of my work day Wednesday.  I parked at a little pizza shop right near his house and he picked me up.  He brought his little dog (her little dog) who is the cutest thing ever.  The dog liked me very much!  It's a little puff ball of fluffy fur.  So soft to touch!  Anyway, we went back to the house and he gave me the grand tour stopping to kiss me in every room.  When he kisses me it's like movie star kiss.  He always takes me by the back of my neck with one hand and then takes the other hand and puts it deep in my hair and pulls me into him and kisses me very deep and very passionate!  It makes me melt!  So the house is pretty empty and they haven't really put much away yet so all he had in his room was a twin mattress on the floor since she is bringing the bed with her move.  So I asked for a minute to freshen up a bit since it was a hot day and I had been running around all day.  When I came out he took me into the bedroom and we started kissing and undressing each other.  One thing I totally love about him is that all we had done was kiss and I had just run my hands down his back and arms and when I moved to take his shorts off his cock was just rock hard!  God I love that!  It is such a turn on to me that he gets that turned on from kissing me.  So he undresses me and puts his fingers between my legs and I was already so very wet and ready for him.  He bends me down over the mattress and his cock slides right into my wet pussy.  God he felt soooo good!  Nice long stokes all the way in and all the way out.  All the way back in and back out.  Very slow.  Now the damn dog was sitting on the bed watching me and kept trying to get in my face to he told the dog to leave.  A few minutes later I feel a tickle on my toes and look down and the damn dog is licking my toes, lol.  It was super funny but then he got rid of the dog!  So then he laid me down the bed and did what he does best!  Lick my pussy!  IF I was told I had one day left on this earth and could have anything I wanted it would be to have him lick my pussy (well maybe not but you get the jest).  He likes to build on it.  He licks me til I cum the first time then he comes up and slides his cock inside me.  He again grabs the back of my neck with one hand and puts the other hand in my hair and kisses me passionately while he fucks me, only it's really more like he's making love to me.  He looks at me in between kisses.  Deep in my eyes.  It makes me crazy.  Then he goes back down.  This time he adds one finger and licks me til I cum again.  Then he comes back up, slides his cock in me and repeats that process again.  Then he goes back down.  This time he licks my ass real good and then goes back to my pussy but this time he puts one finger in my ass and one finger in my pussy and licks me til I cum so hard I laugh or cry!  I'm not kidding.... it's just fucking amazing!!  Then he fucks me a little bit more.  Then I ask very nicely  ... can I please make you cum now!  So he allows me a turn.  I love to lick this man's cock.  It is just perfect!  But it's not just his cock.  I like to spend my time everywhere down there.  I kiss all around him.  I like his inner thighs, til I find my way down to his ass.  I lick his ass really, really good while I sneak a little lube on my finger.  Then I slowly slide one finger in his ass while I suck and lick his balls.  Once I have my finger and moving I take his cock in my mouth and suck and move in unison.  I love that when he cums he squeezes my head with his legs and I love that I can usually feel the first squirt of cum hit the back of my throat.  I bury his cock deep in my throat until he unloads every last drop.  Then I swallow it, and make to sure lick him nice and clean on my way out!  Then we just lay and talk for a bit. We had not seen in each other in a long time so we had a lot to catch up on.  We finally made it downstairs and talked a lot more, kissed, etc.  I often wonder if I leave hubby, if he and I would find a way to give it shot.  I doubt it but I do think he will not like it much when I start dating!  I will not worry about any of that now and just enjoy him while I can!  Shortly after, he took me back to my car, kissed me, told me how much he enjoys his time with me, etc and we went our separate ways.  He did send me a very nice email later which we all know I appreciate and now the girlfriend will be in town all weekend and he can visualize my face in his room while he's fucking her this weekend (evil smile)!  I will see him again next week!  I hope!
So funny enough I could have had a trifecta this week too.  I got a text late last night that JJ was in town.  He had a date with a woman near by and it was an actual date so no lovin for him.  He wanted me to sneak out and when I told him hubby was away he wanted me to sneak him in but I turned him down.  Wasn't really into it.  One, I didn't want to be sloppy seconds to his awesome date; two, I had just had a great time with C the day before; three, I am seeing L tonight.  I like JJ as a friend and think we will talk for years to come and I might hang out with him again but he's a better friend than lover and I've got about all I can handle right now!  I also get texted from J on a weekly basis wanting to have some lunch time fun but again I've been avoiding any plans with him as well.  So I am going to have a kid free/hubby free weekend.  Date tonight, baby shower tomorrow afternoon and bachlorette party tomorrow night and lots of sleep and paper work to catch up on Sunday but all in all I think it should be a pretty great weekend.  It better be cause I have a feeling between dealing with the stress of my new job and hubby next week I'm going to need to make all my weekends count!  Keep your fingers crossed for me!  Hope everyone has a great weekend and we shall see what more is to come!!

Cant escape my Don Wan

So this weekend it happened.  He emailed me.  I think deep down I knew he would but I did have my moments that I wondered if maybe this time it was over for good.  You see we have taken these breaks a few times now.  It starts to get a little intense because he starts to tell me what I want to hear but then I start to feel more than I like to feel and he starts to pull away and then I am usually the one that pulls back and distances myself from him.  Then sometimes we email back and forth a bit but then I usually will start my "other" prowling and just stop talking to him all together. 

I have never had a lover like C before.  He is possibly the only lover I've ever had that I can honestly say I could be with him outside of an affair.  He is very much "my type".  Often times I have stayed away from men that are "my type" because I don't want that to even be an option.  In addition, he is very protective, overbearing, controlling.  Now most would think that this is a bad thing but truth of the matter is that sometimes these qualities are a good thing.  My hubby is the exact opposite and my father possesses many of these types of qualities so maybe that is why I am so fond of them.  When I have been with C he makes it very clear that he does not want to share me with anyone else except that he knows I am occasionally with my husband.  He doesn't care about my past lovers but he wants and expects that when we are together I will not have any other lovers.  Well anyone who has ever read any of my other posts knows that this just doesn't work well for me and I am one that likes for all of my lovers to believe they are my one and only.  We all like to feel special right?.  But the funny thing is that when I'm seriously seeing C I tend to not really spend any time on my other lovers except when I have a lul and don't get to spend much time with him.

Just a quick recap on C.  He has a very serious girlfriend.  She currently lives out of state but will be moving back here (with him) at the beginning of September.  Their relationship is strange.  They totally act like a married couple in regards to so many things but he isn't really truly happy with her and says he would never marry her but he isn't going to let her go either.  Whatever, it's not my problem but one of the issues we have always had is that he isn't married but there are SO many rules with him in regards to our relationship.  When we can talk, how we talk, etc. etc.  I hate rules!  I mean I know there are rules with lovers.  Trust me I have my fair share but I prefer to be with someone that wants to talk with me occasionally and text.  Someone who occasionally wants to go out and have a drink or dinner.  Everything with him has to be done in private.  We have barely ever talked on the phone.  We text but we had to download this private app on our phones so it uses our data instead of texting so numbers can't be traced and most of our talking is done by email and we have NEVER been out in public together.  He doesn't even like to walk out of the hotel room at the same time.  My other issues with him is that he will talk to me about love, and being close and fill my head with whatever he wants at the time and then if I ever try and call him out on it he will say things like I have always known what this relationship is and where we stand.  OKAY... in a way it's true.  I do know where we stand.  I know that it's an affair.  I know that we are not likely ever going to be together... I mean you don't see me leaving my hubby or anything... but I have always said that I would love very much to have just 1 lover.   But that I would want that to be a man that I can not only have incredible sex with but also a friend.  Someone that I can share things with, trust, spend time with, talk to, etc.  The reason I have almost always had more than one lover is because I have never found all of that in one person.  When I first met him I thought I had found all of those things and it started off that way but it didn't last.  So the last time we started talking again he went right back to all hot and heavy with me but this time I didn't fall for it.  I saw him occasionally but tried to keep my heart distant plus this was as things were kind of starting to get better with hubby.  We didn't get to spend much time together either.  Well then he texted me one day that SHE was going to be moving back here at the end of the summer so he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible this summer.  I asked him if he would continue to see me after she moved back and he said he doubted it.  So it was at that point that I said well since we have just started to see each other again then why delay the inevitable.  I don't want to spend a summer enjoying you just to know that you will take it all away from me when she moves back.  He is a drug to me!  I have never had sex with a man that even begins to compare with how he makes me feel.  He is utterly amazing! So part of me wanted to get as much as I could but the other part of me knew that it would be so hard to give him up at the end and I could potentially get my heart broken and Mrs. M prefers to keep her heart in tact!  So I ended it as I wrote about in a previous post.  I guess I didn't realize what an effect I had on him.... 

I don't get a whole lot of email anymore.  I have closed down my profile on the PS site.  Most of my "friends" have my number and tend to text me more than email me so I get an occasional email from a "friend" or every once in awhile someone from my past pops up with an email.  I have one pen pal man I have written to for years and every once in awhile I get an email regarding someone leaving a comment on a blog post.  I know I'm pretty small potatoes so those are far and few!  So anyway I have gotten to where I don't even check it but once or twice a week.  Trust me I get 100's of email for work so I'm not crying (well not much, lol).  So when I checked my email last weekend and saw that he had written I was a little shocked.  It always starts the same with lots of small talk about how are you, oh good how are you, blah blah.   Then he told me he was moving up this way this coming weekend, that she would be moving at the beginning of September, etc. etc.  He asked about my new job, the hubby, kids, all that.  Then he started talking about us seeing each other again.  The emails have been endless.  He has been pouring his heart out to me about why he likes me so much.  How much he missed me, how he thinks about me all the time and wonders about who I'm seeing and who is taking care of his pussy, lol.  He says he fantasizes about us being together.  He looks at old videos and pictures I've sent him that he's managed to hide away.  He told me if I would consider seeing him again he would find a way to make it work whether she was here or not.  That even though we aren't "together" that sexually he has never been with anyone like me and that he would give anything for us to start seeing each other again.  That he wants us to be "lovers" forever, and that is just the beginning of what he's saying.  I mean he is laying it on THICK!  Now, I don't need all that.  Remember, he's my drug.  It's not like I've been through rehab and have found a replacement drug!  I like all my boys!  I have even been liking my hubby but NO ONE makes me feel like he does in the bedroom!  So my friends it's looking like I shall embark on yet another journey with Don Wan.  My time is so very limited with this new job.  It has me going 100 miles an hour but I'm certain once I get a handle on it I would be able to see him quite often so this could work out well.  I also know that in order for this to work out for ME I need to not let him get to me.  I need to focus on the sex and just enjoy it and savor every minute of it but not let HIM in to much!  I have been keeping my end of the conversations pretty generic.  I give him what he wants and needs from the conversations but haven't been getting all mushy about him.  I also made sure he knew that I had been seeing someone else in this interim. Of course he asked if I would be willing to give him up.  I did not answer that email yet so we will see if he asks again.  I would be happy to have him as a lover for as long as I can imagine but I also know that our track record is not very strong so I don't get overly hopeful in regards to long term.   I must admit that my inner attention whore has certainly loved having him shower me with all of the wonderful compliments and praise!!  So needless to say I'm excited to be with him- SOON!  I can't wait for him to kiss me, to lick me, to suck him, to have him inside me.  It will be glorious!  Orgasm, after orgasm... maybe someday I will get smart and as soon as the fun is over I will not linger in bed with him to allow us time to "talk" and I will get up, get dressed and be the first to leave!  Well only time will tell but as an admitted addict I know I will be easily consumed by my drug and every time I do this my ability to get back on the wagon gets harder and harder!

So we shall see what happens.... at best I should have some pretty hot steamy posts to come!!!

I also have a date coming up with L.  I most certainly am not going to give that up yet!  

I do so love summer!  

Randoms

This past week I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life!  Here are a few things... in no particular order.....
I have not talked with C in several weeks now.  This is good but it also bums me out!  Secretly I wish he would get in touch with me and beg me to see him but I do not believe that will happen so I will continue to learn to live without him and his amazing skills.  He will always be one of the best lovers I've ever had (until I find someone better, lol) but he will never be able to give me or treat me the way I want!

We were away for the past few weekends out at the lake... with family... when we are at the lake I find that I put my phone away and forget about it.  This is such a nice break because any other time my phone is always on me or within ear shot of me... so when I picked my phone up Sunday to look at it I had two texts from L... The first one said "Did we break up? lol ;)"  Then about a half hour later he said... "I just haven't heard from you in several days and I hope your okay... let me know".  I thought this was very nice... he is very nice.  I have totally blown him off over the last week or so.  We were supposed to get together last week but I got busy and simply didn't make time.  It's funny cause he will treat me the way I want but he's not C so I don't put myself out there as much for him.  I do like him though but I've also been dealing with hubby a lot lately and giving him more of my focus and energy so that is a big part of it.  So I texted him back after we got home last night and apologized for being MIA and said we could chat tomorrow (today).  I'm actually texting him as I write this but nothing exciting.  I don't know that he and I will go much farther.

....... So the last two paragraphs I started over a week ago and a rare form of the plague entered my home- JK... well kinda!  We all came down with a horrible stomach virus and spent the entire week sick!  It was simply horrible!  I hate being sick, I do not like being home bound either.  Last week was also my last week at my old job so thank goodness I was working from home (since I wasn't getting much work done)!  The few meetings I did had were sitting on the toilet, lol!  Anyway, being sick is a good and bad on a marriage.  While I was sick hubby was very kind and sweet.  He helped take care of me and when our youngest came down sick that night, he stayed up with him all night long so that I could sleep.  I appreciate those things about him.  I of course continued to be sick for days after but managed to take care of myself, him, two kids/one sick, and the house.  I enjoy the help when I get it.  We also bickered plenty but mostly because we were tired and irritible.  Thank goodness I managed to get sick at the same time as my period so that helped that week go by so I can get back in the saddle.
I can only handle being home for so many days in a row so I managed to get out to dinner with some girlfriends on Thursday evening and then officially started my job Friday.  Let me tell you, it was a rough day... I had to go to a golf outing... the horror, lol.  Kidding... it was great.  I spent my first day at my new job looking all cute in golf apparel taking pictures of the golfers in the outing, talking, drinking and sitting under an umbrella (cause it was 100 out).  Yesterday was my first Official day.  So I'm on to my next career adventure.  No more overnight travel but still selling- of course.  I'm excited!

I did see L this past weekend to, and I do like him!  He had texted me that his band was playing this weekend.  So one day during the week I had texted him- "what is the name of the place your playing and where"?  His reply was priceless- "I'm playing in your strawberry field and it's in your panties".  He loves my little red mound!
So I did manage to get out to see him.  It was great!  He thought I was coming out Friday night but my girlfriend lamed out on me at the last minute so I was able to convince her to go out Saturday.  My brothers band was playing so we decided to go and see him first- warm up a bit.  So we got to the 1st bar and it ended up he was'nt playing but another band was, he was there of course so we hung out a bit, started drinking, and ended up having a great time there.  By the time we left there it was midnight and as we were driving to the other bar I started to chicken out.  I had never seen him in a public type setting and his bandmates were around and all.  So we got there and it was a bit of a hole in the wall and not very busy so we sat in the parking lot, and contimplated whether or not to go in for about 20 minutes.  She wanted to leave and really so did I but I just knew if we went in we would have a great time! SO WE DID!
As we were walking in I noticed that his band mates were outside (I had seen pics).  As soon as we walked in the door he was standing there in front of the bar.  Talk about deer in headlights.  He was floored when he saw me!  He couldn't believe it!  He was instantly nervous!  It was awkward and the whole wopping 10 people in the place were all eyes on us!  Talk about ackward moment!  So he hugged me, and then grabbed my hair, dipped me down and planted a big ole kiss on me- DAMN HOT! Then he hugged my friend and bought us a beer and shot!  I think once the shock wore off he was giddy that I had come.  Also still nervous, lol!   So he had to go back up on stage for their last set so we just got our drinks and found a place to sit.  It was immediately obvious that the woman in the place were scowling at us and the men were prowling us!  Slowly the men started finding their way in and around our table.  What a blast!  The band was pretty good- a little heavy for me but good!  The men were not all that great but as a first class attention whore it was a very successful evening.  We drank for free all night and my girlfriend got hit on by both men and woman.  She's a smoker so she kept leaving me to go outside with all of our new friends.  When she would leave me some guy would find his way over and strike up a conversation.  So as a friendly girl I would chat them up, always keeping a flirtatious eye on L.  So at one point, L gets his tamborine out and asks a girl from the audience to come up and play it.  He asks her waht her name is and she says P (my name)- to which he laughs and replays "really I'm in love with a girl named P" and winks at me.  So then a bit later another guy comes over and talks to me and now he's getting a little jealous and says "hey guys, do I need to stop singing early and walk off this stage so you'll all stop talking to my girl".  Or something like that, he said it nice and fun so it was taken more jokingly.  One guy said "hey buddy your lose is our gain".  Again, I was loving it.  So they did quit a little early and while his band mates were packing up he came over and gave me the attention I needed!  I was worried about his band mates not thinking it was cool that I showed up (since hes still married and all- oh yea and me too) but he didnt seem to care as he came over, sat facing me, pulled me onto his lap and started making out with me.  The guys behind us were like- that's hot, wanna share, to which he replied- in your dreams, lol!
We moved our little party outside where he found a dark little corner pushed me into the the corner and just devoured me with his kisses.  Have I mentioned that he is a big guy.  Like used to be a semi professional wrestler big guy.  He is the only big guy I've ever been with and there is something so sexy about the way he towers over and controls my movements.  I could feel his hard swollen cock up against me and I wanted it so bad.  It didn't take him long before his fingers found their way up my skirt and into my very wet pussy.  I wanted him so bad!  I told him he should just pull his cock out and fuck me right there.  He didn't think that was a good idea.  I thought it was a great idea!  I said lets go in your car- but a few of his band mates were riding with him and they were pretty much done and waiting for us at this point.  I was so wet and horny and he wouldn't stop rubbing my clit and sliding his fingers in and out of my pussy so I said if you don't fuck me now I'm going to cum all over your hand which of course just made him work harder and within a minute he had me cumming in his hand!  He took his hand out and started to lick his fingers clean but of course saved just one for me to suck clean!  I offered to return the favor but he said no- he would wait until he saw me next time and could fuck me good and proper!
I was disappointed but that was his decision. So he walked me to my car where my friend was waiting, kissed me goodbye & we went our separate ways. All was good. We laughed and giggled the whole way home & of course since I didn't get all I wanted I woke hubby up with my mouth on his cock & got my seconds for the evening. I know I'm such a whore!!

Funny last thing. On the way home that night my GF asked why I liked L.
She's knows he's not my typical type. She liked him to but she was curious. So I told her several things I liked about him including that thus far we've been very low maintenance together & I like that. Interesting enough she said yeah until now. I asked her why & she said cause you went to see him tonight & now he's going to like you even more & want you more. I thought naw... It will be fine.
Well she may have been right? More to come on L soon!

A fork in the road- MAYBE

So things have been somewhat interesting lately?!  Surprisingly I mean at home... good interesting... well bad first but that leads to good.
But first lets talk about my men.. then we can talk about the hubby and marriage!
C (Don Wan):
I think we are pretty well broke up.  Disclaimer: this does not mean I will not have a weak moment and lust for him enough that I may eventually break down and be with him again- possibly before the end of the week, lol.  Nonetheless we are not talking right now.  I was down by him for work a few weeks ago and he was going to take the night off work and come stay with me but as always that didn't work out.  He did however drive down to spend a few hours with me.  As always, he comes in the door wraps his arms and hotness (he is so gorgeous) around me and kisses me.  Have I mentioned his kisses.  As he kisses he slowly consumes all of you.  It's like with each moment of his kiss he draws you into him more and more.  I could literally kiss him all day and never tire and with his kisses I could remain wet for days!!  Anyway... before long I am utterly his and in the moments of being intimate with him the entire world stops and nothing else exists except us entwined in one another.  Time stands still, and I am able to block everything out and give myself to him completely and him to me.  He spoils me over and over and every time I try to flip him over so that I can simply taste his cock, or lick his ass he pushes me back down and says he's not finished with me yet.  This man can make me cum over and over with his mouth.  No man has ever spent this kind of time between my legs.  I mean I know I taste good and all but geez! ;)
Finally, I get my turn and I love to take my time and enjoy him.  He is so very appreciative of all that I do to him and although I would love it either way his enthusiasm makes me enjoy it that much more.  I kiss him, I suck him, I lick every last inch of him.  He allows me lips, tongue and fingers in all the places I desire.  When I finally allowed him to cum, he had my head pinned so hard between his legs I couldn't move but I loved that I could feel him shoot all the way in the back of my throat... and mmm he tastes so good!  I don't waste a drop and I lick him clean and ask kindly for him to release me from the death grip.
After sex is when the story goes downhill.  He talks.. constantly!  He tells me everything... everything going on with his girlfriend, his kids, their trips, his job.... EVERYTHING... EVERY DETAIL!  He never shuts up.... and he NEVER ASKS QUESTIONS IN RETURN.  I mean I'm a good listener and all but come on I equally love to talk and what woman doesn't appreciate a man that asks questions or cares to listen as much as they talk.  So we talk, we fuck more, he talks a lot more and then he leaves.
So the other part about him is that he likes to say one thing and then do another.  Such as tell me about how great I am (in and out of bed), how much he cares about me, blah, blah then he leaves and then I do not hear from him for several days.  This annoys me greatly!  So I send him a message basically saying that I don't think that's very nice and don't really appreciate it to which his reply is something like- I'm sorry- I've been in a coma for a few days now!  Then a few days later he says that he found out his GF will be moving back to state at the end of the summer and he will be moving closer to me (they will be living together).  I ask what that means for "us"?  Will be able to still see each other, etc.?  He says unlikely but he's not sure but he would like to continue to see me in the meantime!  I bet!  So at that point I say, you know since we've just started seeing each other again and it's only been a few times I think I will pass.  I'd rather just go our own ways now rather than get all attached and addicted to you again and then have to get over you again!   So as always, he doesn't reply.  He is not good with communication.  I'm pretty convinced that all men suck at communication and when things are said they don't agree with or like they think saying nothing is the best way to go!  I disagree and this infuriates me!  If ever I meet a man that communicates, and is good in bed I will have died and gone to heaven!  So there have been a few other very short communications but I am proud to say that so far I've remained uninterested!  FOR NOW!
J:
So J is an idiot and our kids play on the same baseball league.  Not same division or teams but we occasionally see each other at the fields.  Exchange glances, smiles, giggles, etc but that is all!  On the last week of games for the season I'm sitting on the bleachers when suddenly I look over and there he is standing behind me smiling his most shit eating grin!  He asks a few questions about the game, and of course my hubby is the one who answers them.  I'm dying but want badly to talk to him so I wait a few and then excuse myself to the bathrooms.  As I'm walking I walk by him.  I didn't realize until I was almost to the bathroom and I glance behind me, JUMP, cause he is right there and says, sorry I scared you I was just admiring the view.  So when I come out of the bathroom he's still standing there and since we are far enough away from the field we walk back towards that area talking a little.  Mainly me saying wow, aren't you brave and ballsy!  So we go our separate ways and I think nothing of this because my hubby NEVER pays attention to me.. well that is until this day!  When I come back he walks over and says "who the fuck was that guy and what was that all about".  I play dumb, and he wants to know why he came over by us, then followed his wife to the bathroom and then he sees us walking together.  I cover by saying he's just some baseball dad, he scared me walking to the bathroom and when I came out he was apologizing for scaring me and that I will talk to anybody so he was explaining himself to me probably so I didn't think he was some weirdo, lol.  Anyway, that appeased him enough and he pretty much left it alone.  Phew!  So I text J the next day to tell him he just ruined any chance of me ever getting him in on a 3some at my house!  However, of course this lead to us flirting and sexting and him daring me to meet him for lunch.  I never turn down a dare.  So the following Monday he says meet me at our underground parking garage, wearing only 1 piece of clothing and bring my dildo.  So on Monday I put on my new cute navy blue tank dress with nothing else on, I throw my dildo in a bag and head to the garage.  I got there first but he pulled in behind me.  He got out and came over, stuck his head in my car and kissed me hard!  The dress allowed easy access to my breast so he pulled them out and began caressing and pinching my nipples, then he ran his hand up my thigh and quickly realized how warm and wet I was.  He was basically checking to make sure I followed directions and didn't have anything else on.  He said good job.. did you bring your toy He opened my door and continued to kiss me very hard and walked me to the hood of my car.  He then bent me over the hood and pulled up my dress to expose my ass.  Did I mention this is an active garage with people coming and going- granted we are in a corner but still exposed.  So he lifts my dress, bends down and begins to lick my pussy making sure I'm plenty wet and then he sticks the dildo in my mouth so I can get it nice and wet before he fills me with it!  Once he shoves it deep inside me and he's holding me down on the hood he begins to spank my ass... one cheek, then the other, then back over and over while he's moving the dildo in and out of me!  After a few minutes he opens the back door to his car, grabs me and leads me over and into the back seat where he then licks and sucks my clit while he continues to fuck me with the dildo until I explode in orgasm.  I love holding him there while I cum all over his face!  He then stands up in the door of the car as I get on my knees in the backseat and he frees his hard, throbbing cock and fucks my face.  He's cute and oh so visual.  He likes me to look at him while I"m sucking him.  He likes to take his cock push it out my cheeks and see it, and then slap my face with it and then shove it back in my mouth, hold my head and literally fuck my mouth.  It doesn't bother me a bit either as he is always quick to cum, oh so appreciative, and taste delicious!  So after, we clean up, hop in the backseat, chat for a few minutes (he is kind and listens as much as he talks) and then we go out separate ways.  He also almost always sends me a cute message later in the day about how much he enjoys our times together!
L:
I have not seen L at all lately but we have been talking regularly.  He and his wife have put their divorce on hold.  She has asked him to not move out yet.  He says they are not getting back together but as long as they are getting along he will gladly stay there for his kids, and do his own thing on the side.  Anyhoo!!!  He would like for us to see each other a lot but I just have not been able to make it work out with him.  He texts me the sweetest things, he seems to also think very highly of me which is nice!  He likes to talk on the phone a few times a week.  He tells me all the time how he can't stop thinking about me.  He has been trying to get me to go out on his boat with him for a day which I would love to do!!  I could have a long term affair with this guy I know it.  He's done it before, our situations are similar.  He's nice and I've only been with him 2x but it was good.  Not great but good.  The first time was in a hotel but it was the first time and of course there's a little nerves the first time, the second was in a car and he's a big guy so that's not fair!  He's totally not my normal type.  He body builder big.   Super tall, tons of tattoos, sings in a band- rocker guy but he's adorable!  Anyway, we shall see.  I was supposed to see him today but that didn't work.  I may see him this week so that story may be getting good!
Hubby:
The constant roller coaster continues... however, we had a bad fight last week when I found some shit on his phone... it was a bad fight.  We both agreed it was over and I told him I wanted him out.  I was a mess but I truly believed it was over this time.  He said he would start looking for a place to live immediately.  Then he comes home that night with a pool.  WHAT?  After a bad fight, I left crying and went down to my GF's house in the neighborhood and we started drinking!  So lots of crying, yelling, bitching and drinking.  Then hubby starts texting me and since I'm drinking I'm more bitchy and sarcastic and less pathetic.  So back and forth the next thing I know he's flirting with me and taking dirty- WE ARE SO FUCKED UP!  So back and forth all night and then it stops.  Finally at about  1am, I go home-drunk.  He basically takes me by the hair, kisses me, practically rips off my clothes and fucks me silly!  Like in ways he's never fucked me before!  So the next day we decide to go out to dinner so we can talk.  We not only talked that night but have continued to talk every day since.  Really talking and having a ton of super HOT, CRAZY, DIRTY, LOVELY, FANTASTIC SEX!  So I guess I will just go with it.  I can't help but feel like I married this man for better or worse.  The last few years have been the worse part but there's been plenty of better too.  Seriously, with me working and him busy, our kids doing well, our lives are in a place to just keep getting better so why quite now.  I will continue to ride the coaster in hope that a few good days will turn into a few good weeks, and then a few good months.  I know it will always have it's ups and downs but I can live with so much of his shit if he can just be good to me!  Plus I like when he's dominant with me- I think he's finally starting to get it!

The funny thing is that I may always cheat but I have to tell ya, after the sex we had this past weekend I don't have a ton of desire for anyone but him and truth of the matter is he has the best cock out of any guy I've ever been with!!!  He told me yesterday morning that all he has been thinking about is the sex we've had the past few nights!  So I'm just gonna roll with it for now!

What's Good for the Goose IS NOT Good for this Gander!

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Sex is everywhere!

Before I get to the good stuff I need to just vent....

I think I mentioned that at the beginning of this year I took a new job.  I have not worked a full time job since I had kids over 8 years ago.  I have always worked part time, some of the time I worked two part time jobs and also helped out with our business and volunteered in the kids classrooms, and whatever else was needed of me.  I have always stayed busy!  I loved this life as it allowed me more freedom for MY ADVENTURES!  When I took this job it was because it was time.  I wasn't sure where my marriage was and I wanted to have security to take care of myself if we broke up, I was tired of struggling all winter long, I wanted better benefits for our family, etc.  It was a good move!  I am lucky that for someone who was out of the mainstream work force for as long as I was that I was able to land such an awesome job!  I have done very well since I've been here.  It is sales and this is what I did before I had kids!  However, at first I thought that the travel would be so great and at first it was great.  Considering how bad it was at home I was happy to be away and the break from my kids was almost nice as well!  This wore off quick!  Now, I just miss my kids like crazy, and even though I've had a few visitors in my travels, and had some fun I'd just as soon be home and find time for my fun here!

Okay, now that I've said that lets get to the sex is everywhere part!

So being away from home gives me more time to talk, text, take pics/videos, and/or potentially spend time with lovers!  So far since I started my job in January I have stayed the night at R's on one of my trips.  We actually didn't fool around, I stayed at his house (in the guest room), and we went out on the town and partied like college kids.  It was a blast!  After the fact of course I found out that he wanted me to sneak in his room so we could fuck like crazy but I'm not a mind reader, I was really drunk and I didn't get any signals from him!  So maybe next time (which might be next week as I'm going that way, lol).

I had another friend join me on another trip- JJ, he was supposed to stay with me two nights but ended up just spending the one night with me.  It was fun,  as soon as we got into the room of course we were all over each other and he is a super fun lover, we also went out for a nice dinner, and then went back to my room for some more fun!  I find it strange sometimes sleeping with other men.  I would almost prefer that they leave (I know that sounds weird) and there are only a few that I would actually choose to sleep with!  Anyway, he wasn't so bad to sleep with.

Then, recently I had D surprise me on a trip and he drove 1 1/2 hours north to hang out with me.  He has money, lots of it and he likes to flash it.  So he took me out, we went to the local pub- he likes to drink as well.  He is super fun though and everyone loves to be around him!  We partied with the locals, had a blast, got drunk, then he left a huge tip for the guys, which of course they thought was a mistake and couldn't get over.  It was cute, and also nice to be with someone generous!  Anyway, we went  back to my room and he is a friggin stallion and fucked me deep into the mattress but like a good man, he went home for the night, lol!  Only after I made him cum in my mouth!  Which since he is a total control freak, he hates.  He likes to be in control of everything!  However, when I put his cock in my mouth, he loses all control and I get to take over, and he can't tell me no and I always get my reward!!  Hehe!  Also, about D- I"ve been reading the Fifty Shades of Grey series (that's another post entirely).  He is my Christian!  Or I'd like for him to be my Christian!  When I'm reading I imagine that it is he and I!

Lastly, and one I almost am embarrassed to write about was one of my last trips where I decided to give N or dick head another chance.  So I let him travel up to meet me at one of my last northern expeditions.  I also allowed him to convince me to stay an extra day so we would have more time together.  I should have known better, he's to young, to in mature, drinks to much, etc.  But he begged (literally) and I allowed!  The first part started off good.  We went to dinner, had a few drinks, good conversation.  I made him tell me about why he was so adamant about us hanging out again, especially since he now has a girlfriend he really cares about.  He said it was the best sex he'd ever had and he wanted that again.  See the thing about him is that he is not a great lover- AT ALL!  He simply has a really big cock!  I told him I"m only as good as the person I'm with (well depends).  I also told him that if he gave me the chance I could make him an amazing lover.  He just needed a little direction and with a cock like that I could turn him into the BEST!  He is not a good listener you see!  Long story short, the sex was good when he laid there like a good boy and let my hop on top and do my thing.  Other than that he simply sucks and is NOT a good person, lover, human, etc.

The second day, while I worked he slept all day, we again went out that evening and I could tell he was getting into dick head mode, and then we started butting heads.By the time we got back to the room, we were hardly talking.  I read my book all night, he fell asleep.  When I got up the next morning I immediately got up and started getting ready, and packing.  When he finally woke up he actually said "are you ready to get bent over" to which I replied "nope I'm good, all set... I'm leaving, your lucky I allowed you to sleep here for the night, when I get back from breakfast I expect you to be either packed and gone or almost ready to leave".  I then went to breakfast, and when I got back he was just about ready to leave so I packed up and told him to shut the door on his way out.  I waited across the street to make sure that he left and he did.  I can promise you that will be the last we will hear from N!!

So on my trip this week I was again, far north!  I decided to go out Tuesday night after I got up there and settled into my room.  I asked where was a good place and decided on the local pub/restaurant.  I typically sit at the bar since I'm by myself.  I ordered a micro brew, some dinner, and then talked on the phone for awhile with a friend while I drank my beer.  After I got off the phone, the bartender and another guy started razzing me about being on the phone.  So we all started talking and then a local girl came into the bar and we all started talking.  Then the hubby called and was not pleased that I was still hanging at a bar, told me to go home and to call him when I got home.  Well I planned to go home right after my beer, but then the local girl convinced me to have another with her.  So I did.  Then another couple came into the bar and we all started talking.  So then the local girl leaves- the bar tender and I start talking Fifty Shades, he's telling me about his girlfriend of 6 years that is married, and starts showing me all these dirty pics of them on his phone.  I start telling him of my lovers, and show him a few pics.  Then the couple at the bar, convinces me to stay and buys me another beer.  Then me and the girl from the couple do a shot together.  Now, ti's getting late, I've had 4 large beers, a huge shot, and I'm dancing, with the girl.  She is backing up into me and running her hands up my legs.  The guy behind the bar is grinning from ear to ear.  The boy of the couple is grinning from ear to ear and then we do another shot.  Then, the guy goes to the bathroom and she turns around and starts kissing me.  Holy, hell, what am I doing!  So I go to the bathroom.  When I come back the bartender leans over and says that while I was gone they were discussing a 3 some.  He was nervous but she was all about it.  They ask me if I want to go for a walk with them down the beach.  To which I say I think I had better just go back to my room, since I have an early morning appt.  He seemed okay with that but she was adamant that I go for a walk.  He leaves again, and now she's in my ear, begging me to go, talking about licking my pussy, how much fun we will have.  She kisses me again.  HELL!!

So bottom line is that I know I'm not going!  Not because I don't want to- they were both HOT!  Because I have herpes!  No matter what, this is always in the back of my mind.  I am safe with all of my boys, we all have the same thing in common.  This is uncharted territory for me now.  I no longer have the ability to just go have casual sex without always wondering in the back of my mind if I could potentially give this to someone!  The funny thing is that statistically speaking one of them probably has it too!

Anyway, I again said no- I think he was the most sober and could tell I didn't want to or something cause he got her out of there pretty quick after that!  Now, the bartender can't figure out why I didn't go?  He I think was just waiting for me to invite him back to my place as I think he thought we were going to fuck because we shared some dirty pics.  We did not!  However, I apparently gave him my number because he texted me several times the next day to see if I was going out anywhere.  I did not!  I was wrecked the next day and happy to make it through the day alive!  I stayed in and rested and read my Fifty Shades- book 3 like a good girl!  I can avoid trouble one night but I'm not sure I would have made it two nights without some kind of trouble finding me, lol!!

So the funny thing is that in my stupidity, I called my hubby at 2am... duh!  The next morning I told him these stories about the bartender and the 3some.  Why?  Well other than because I'm an idiot I'm not sure.  Maybe to make him jealous? which he was/and mad!  To be honest?  Maybe a little!  So he could see yet again, that if he doesn't give me the attention I will find it somewhere?  His remark- if I sat in a bar and drank and flirted like that you would be so pissed at me- YES I WOULD!  He also commented that even if he had those kind of things would never happen to him- PROBABLY NOT!  Why is that I wonder?

Maybe we can talk more about all of this in my next post!  Why do I live by such a double standard of what's good for the goose isn't good for the gander!?!?  But sex is EVERYWHERE!!

Wow, almost another year has past!

It is amazing me to that almost a year could past and I come on here all the time to read blogs but never take the time to write!  The last year of my life has been filled with so many things I wouldn't even begin to know where to go with it.  I would never try to update everything but here is what I will do cause I would very much like to continue writing again... I think it could be therapeutic!
I am certainly somewhat of a whore!  This is a word that I have bonded with in the past year!
Quick re-cap
June 2011: Had horrible sex with my husband 1x
Broke what kinda had started with M off, (he had a teeny weeny and it wasn't going anywhere)
Started to see J a little on the side- quick side note- he does not have herpes so our relationship has been somewhat limited but nonetheless fulfilling!
Re-discovered the Positive Singles site and put up a fabulous posting as a married lady looking for a lover!
Started rifling through some serious male companion possibilities.

July:
Very busy month with friends, family, kids... however, went on a fun boat ride for the day with a new potential friend... fooled around a little but he was somewhat uninteresting and a little weird!
Met the Fireman!!  Ohh baby he was HOT!  He is the first man I EVER had limited conversation with but had the guts to meet in a hotel room (he even told me what to wear).  I walked in, he was naked and gorgeous and we fucked for hours!  He made me feel like the ultimate dirty little slut and I loved every moment of it.   This ignited something in me that had been missing for quite some time and for the first time in a long time I was ALIVE!  He lives out of state and although we have chatted a few times that is the only time we ever fucked!

August:
Busy family month... continued to chat with several new male possibilities.. even one Dom out in California.  He was fun but kinda hard when your that far away.  I spent some time having fun with J.  He also likes to tell me what to do, and I enjoy doing it!  Since he is married and we typically play on his lunch break we are very limited but again, I adore him and we have great fun together!  I don't think I met anyone else this month.
Also had horrible sex again with the hubby!  This is not good!

September:
Kids go back to school, I start working a little more and I begin talking with V- single, roofer, gorgeous, writes me poetry and says all the right things.  We begin a very intense affair and for the first time in a very long time I have serious feelings for someone.  Looking back I realize that I was so alone and he simply said all the right things.  He loved me quickly and let me love him.  We both needed that.  When he started asking me about being his and leaving my family I got scared, he met someone else, he broke my heart.... it was tough but alas it was all for the better.... they now have a new baby together and I believe he is happy!
Hubby and I decide to start marital counseling to attempt to save the marriage.

October:
I have a rebound affair with a man(actually boy) - N- who has the largest cock I have ever experienced.  He turns out to be a horrible lover (just cause your blessed means NOTHING) and to top it off he is a horrible human being although our first few times were great (again I was rebounding from broken heart).  It took me awhile to figure out just how horrible of a person he was... I was clouded by sitting on his fabulously huge cock... what can I say!
Hubby and I continue to see a worthless counselor and it is going nowhere!  We also attempt to have sex again, I'm drunk, he can't keep it up, i fall apart, it was truly horrible!

November:
I meet HIM!  C... we will call him my Don Wan... quick insight.  He is pretty much a single dad of three kids... hard worker, has a girlfriend who lives out of state.  He cares very much for her but sexually is not satisfied, reads my profile, thinks we might be compatible so we start chatting and quickly realize we have a lot in common!
The first time we are together there is an electricity between us that I have never experienced in my entire life. It's as if we both know exactly where to touch each other and what to do to make the other person just fall to pieces in orgasm.  I have never had a man IN MY LIFE, put so much effort into making me cum- repeatedly.  Nor, who can make me cum as much or as hard as him!  He is the BEST lover I have ever had.
Our affair become very intense, very fast!  Thank goodness we do not get to see each other very often and do not live very close.
I start looking for a new job and find one I want and pursue it with vigor!

December:
I GET THE JOB!  Great job, lots of in state travel.  Great beni's!  Great everything!
We decide to put counseling on hold as it's not doing us much good, and the holidays are approaching and I'm about to start new job and will be very busy!
This is the first full time job I will have had in over 8 years so I'm very nervous but also excited for new opportunities!
Continue to see Don Wan, but not over the holidays!
Also talk with a new gentleman and meet for drinks- D- he is married, very wealthy, older, intimidating, and fun!  I cannot resist but have sex with him- it is fabulous, we do not talk often!

January 2012: Happy New Year!
Start new job, very busy traveling!  LOVE IT!
Start also talking with JJ- lives in different state but one I sometime travel to.  He has a girlfriend, we begin more of a once a week telephone friendship as we have H in common and he is a great person, we do occasionally have a little fun phone sex!
Continue my relationship (as it's becoming) with Don Wan.... Start to develop some kind of feelings for him but am probably just clouded by the amazing sex!
End of the month, less than one month into new job, hubby tells me he thinks we should separate in hopes of still being able to be friends!
He also turned 50 and as I soon discover is embarking on a full fledged mid life crisis!

FEB-MARCH-APRIL- PRESENT:
These past few months become somewhat of a blur so lets just say...
Work:
My job is great and I'm very good at it and place top in the company for a few things and take a great trip to Florida for a conference in March.
Men in my life:  they pretty much all think they are my one and only!
It's getting a little out of hand!  I still see J on occasion for some lunchtime fun!  He is one of my favs and if we could have actual sex I might stick with just him.. he's married which is safe, he's cute, dominating, kind, eager to please, loves to give oral and likes anal!  and again he's safe!  blah, blah
I finally meet JJ for an evening of fun- and he even spends a few nights with me when I travel to his state for a few nights.  We have a great friendship as well but are far apart and he needs to date woman that he can start a relationship with.  I believe he is starting to see someone!
I even see R as I'm traveling to his parts now, he lets me stay at his house, we do NOTHING, which is odd but seem to have managed a friendship out of this.  He takes me out on the town, we party like college kids, it's great!  I have missed him!  Later I find out that he secretly wished I had come and attacked him, lol!
I also start talking and end up meeting L- he is a big tattooed guy, going through a divorce and getting back in the scene and feels safe that I'm married.  He is totally not my normal type but he's cute, in a band, fun, and since I"m not petite (not big either) but not petite he makes me feel very sexy!  We did have great sex and really knows his stuff when he goes down!  I also liked that I made his legs shake when I sucked him!  It was cute.
Out of the blue- D recently gets in touch.  now he does stay somewhat in contact through occasional texts and emails.  He sends me the sweetest things to make sure I know he often thinks of me.  So anyway, out of the blue while I'm away on a trip he gets in touch and drives all the way to where I am to see me, takes me out on the town for an amazing night (he likes to spoil) and then he comes back and we have what I would say was pretty fucking amazing sex!  Recently as I've started reading the 50 shades series I would say he is the closest thing to my Grey!
Things with C (or Don Wan) have been up and down back and forth!  He is like my addiction... well as you can kinda sum, sex and men are my addiction but he is my heroin!  Without getting into to many details we have tried several times now to stop seeing each other but we cannot seem to stay away.  I'm pretty convinced that although I enjoy some sex with other men and I like all my men for different reasons he has ruined me!  I cannot stay away.  I seem to have somehow been able to learn to manage my feelings for him and maybe it's because things are stable at home-not sure but I could easily LOVE this man.  He is the only man I could say that I could potentially see myself with.  I think he could possibly make me happy, and maybe make me not cheat but that is not an option for either of us.  I recently stopped seeing him but neither of us could leave it alone and although I haven't seem him in a few weeks we have been planning a get together in the next few days or early next week.  He will easily suck me into his vortex I'm certain.  I don't want to get into the specifics right now but if I can keep up with writing I can assure you there will be much to unfold with him
Oh yes, and recently I saw N- lets just say he begged, and I thought I wanted that big fat cock- turns out burn me once- shame on me, burn me twice- shame on you!  I ended up kicking him out of my hotel room and promise we will not talk about him EVER again!
I also recently made a new friend- K- although we have only had drinks once.  He is interesting, eclectic, smart, and a cool mustache that I would love to feel in certain spots.  I think eventually something could happen but timing has not been good for us.
I think that is it but trust me, I know it's a little out of hand right now but I am who I am!  My best friend, who is also the only person who knows everything (except you Don, if you ever read this) said to me maybe it's time to thin out the Rolodex a bit.  I agree but easier said than done.  They all have a special place and until I get my personal life sorted out I'm happy with how it is right now!

Okay last but not least let's talk about the hubby:
During this time I start snooping into my husbands life to discover that he has been seriously cheating on me with just about everything with two legs and even some dirty chatting with men.  He is completely out of control and I do not have the ability to keep my mouth closed and all in all I tell him I know everything.  This is not good!  We have been through a lot in the past several months.  We started out heading toward divorce.. since we have discussed open marriage (not for me personally, as I'm a very jealous person), a don't ask, don't tell type situation, but I couldn't stop snooping, him threatening to have me arrested for my snooping, lots of threats, lots of meetings with attorneys, lots of discussion of making up, we started to have sex again, and it's been often good!
He knows of some of my affairs, I know of some of his.  I'm certain we both have many secrets... me much more than him!
Okay, so he has a serious porn addiction, I have a man addiction.  He wants in my world but I prefer to have my world be private!  I want him to only want me.  I don't necessarily believe that what's good for the goose is good for the gander!  I know that I can keep him sexually satisfied- I feel I"m the girl you cheat with, not the girl you cheat on!

What needs to be understood in order for me to continue to write is that ultimately all I have ever wanted is my husbands love and approval.  I have done almost everything he has ever wanted, in return I have asked him to choose me over porn!  He has not.  Over time I learned that I could get what he won't give me from others, thus my infidelities!
Still all I truly want is LOVE and AFFECTION & LOTS OF SEX!  I get the affection and sex from others but I guess I'm not getting the love really from anyone but sometimes all the sex and attention makes up for the lack of love, or at least temporarily!
I stay with him because we have this great life, great kids, I love his family, when we are getting along we have this great friendship and a ton of fun together.  I just simply want him to stop having a mid life, love me and only me so I can go back to taking care of him and our family and our lives (which is what I do best) and then I can scale back and only have fun with a few extra people as that's what I NEED!  but I will do so very privately as I always have and when the Love is back where I need it than I can also indulge him in a little of his kink so that he will not  need to cheat on me!

I know that since this is not elaborately written it doesn't make a ton of sense right now but hopefully as it continues and I can share bits of my life it will all start to make some sense and maybe by writing it down it will make a little more sense to me!  Not sure!
We recently have decided to try and make a go of it.  He did some pretty fucked up shit that I found out about and it seem the light may have gone off for him and he is scared I'm about to leave him and saying that he is ready to make some changes and get some counseling and try and make us better!  Only time will tell!
It's either going to be a great summer or a really hard, shitty summer but either way I'm hoping by the end I will either be healing my marriage or headed towards the single life!
Either one scares the shit out of me!

Okay so I need to finish some work!  I had a fun tryst with J yesterday, he came over on his lunch break and I let him fuck my face on my back deck in the hot sun!  It was HOT!
Hubby woke me up in the middle of the night and I swear I think we had dream anal sex!  It was HOT and my skin was all tingly and he was pulling my hair... fuck if that was a dream I'm going back to sleep!
I may see Don Wan tomorrow but I may actually make him wait another week!
Also, L is working out here on my side of town so I may see him before the end of the week.
So yes, I'm a whore- unpaid whore- but it's okay, I kinda like the ring of it some days!

Until next time......
Mrs. M