My saga continues.....

Life is and will always be filled with drama... if you say your life has no drama I don't believe you!  So I did have lunch with R a month or so ago.  Around his birthday I had sent him a little happy birthday email and he texted me the following week and invited me to lunch.  Since I don't seem to possess the power to tell him no I accepted.  So a few days later as I was on my way to meet him I got a phone call from my step mom that my grandpa had passed away.  So we were already off to a bad start.  We met, hugged and I had not intended to drink but given the news I quickly ordered a glass of wine and I think I drank the whole glass in one long gulp!  We did the usual small talk and I'm realizing that it includes listening to him talk about a whole lot of continuous drama in his life... he does a lot of the talking.  I listened regarding who he has chatted with, gone on dates with, had sex with, told about his herpes, not told about his herpes, his new potential girlfriend and both of their divorce drama.  I think to be polite he also asked about my marriage, kids and if there was any new lovers in my life.  I spent a few minutes giving him a fairly quick update.  He of course still left the door open for us and said he would be back in a few weeks and asked if I would want to go out for an evening date and then back to his hotel for dessert.  I was surprised after him  telling me about his new GF but it sounded like fun and since I hadn't had any I said I would see if I could work it out.  So after lunch he kissed me goodbye and then we emailed a few times.  He mentioned something about feeling guilty or something in one email to which my response... I don't need and/or want a sympathy fuck, and if he didn't want to get together than to just simply say so etc. etc.  So I waited for him to respond... the day we were supposed to meet came and went and he never responded to my email.  So I waited about a week and wrote him back... this is what I wrote....

Hey there:
So I responded to your email last week regarding us getting together but I never heard anything back from you.  I had already assumed that we would not be getting together but I guess I was just surprised that you didn't get back with me at all.  Listen I know your busy and stressed and all of that and I don't want to add to that in any way so if you don't want to correspond with me that is fine, just be upfront with me.... don't make tentative plans with me, then email me you may feel guilty and then totally leave me hanging.  I have always had a pretty high opinion of you and regardless of if we are friends or not I would like to hold on to that opinion.  I'm a good person and I've been a pretty good friend to you when you wanted and/or needed so it would have been nice to have heard something... Just sayin!!
Pretty straight forward and this was what I got back....

You are awesome...my life is two train wrecks right now...ugh..can't seem to catch a break. I am sorry babe.....been eating shit sandwiches all week....

:(

So that is that... I haven't heard back from him since that.. I have decided to close this chapter in my book.  It upsets me on several levels due to the fact that I seriously allowed myself to care deeply for this man.  He had me... as much as a lover can have you.  I feel like I was a good friend to him and so much more.  I was always there for him when he needed me but i realize now that he didn't really return that sentiment to me.  I now feel like maybe I allowed myself to settle.  My situation as far as lovers go is very different now but I still feel like when and where lovers are concerned I have so much to offer and if I"m not getting everything back that I'm giving than FORGET IT!

I know the day will come that he will get back in touch with me.  It will likely be when he is fighting or having a breakup with a GF and he will come to me to make him feel incredible.  It will not be easy for me but I will do my best to walk away, however I may decide to take that opportunity to tell him just how crummy he has made me feel!  Who knows maybe I will make him eat another shit sandwich!

So this will hopefully be my last post regarding R... so now I will tell you about "M" and a little status update on "J".  I would tell you a little about my hubby but that unfortunately is so sad and boring.